The Passing of a Hero

grief (N) : a deep sadness caused especially by someones death

Everyone handles grief in their own way. Some people cry. Some people talk. And some people stay busy and try to avoid it. How do I handle grief? I write.

In my lifetime I have acquired many heroes. People I looked up to, people I respected and wanted to be like, and people who made a difference in my life. Saturday I lost one of my heroes, my Uncle Kevin. Uncle Kevin was added to my list of heroes at a very young age. When I was a very little girl, like maybe 2 or 3, I was camping with my whole extended family when I fell flat into the campfire. My Uncle Kevin jumped up and pulled me from the flames.  I should have had third degree burns covering my body, but there wasn't a single burn on my skin. It was a miracle. Uncle Kevin's quick reaction saved my life. I wouldn't be here today if it wasn't for him. I owe him my life.

Ever since I heard the news on Saturday I have tried to grasp the reality that he is gone. It just doesn't seem real. Saturday I think I was in shock, I didn't even cry. But then on Sunday when I saw the grief that my family was experiencing it hit me like a ton of bricks. I keep playing the 'could of, should of, what if?' game. Did he know he was one of my heroes? I never told him. I should have. Did he know that I loved him? Does he know that I will miss him? Was there something more I could have done? He sent me a Christmas card this year, but I got so busy I didn't send him one back or even call him and thank him. And now its too late. Regret is entangled with grief and I am having a hard time processing it all. I wish I would have made more of an effort these last few years to keep in touch with him, but I didn't, and now I have to live with that. Friday is the funeral and boy is that going to be a hard day. My heart is breaking for his family but also, selfishly, it is hurting for me too. Uncle Kevin was a good uncle. The world somehow seems a little darker this week without him in it. Sometimes I don't think its fair that the world keeps turning and life goes on when someone we love passes away. Everything should stop for just a moment, take a pause, a break. Give us a chance to catch our breath and get a grip. But it doesn't happen that way. We are forced to keep moving forward because what else are we supposed to do?

It just.... hurts. And sucks. Sucks big time.

I love you Uncle Kevin. I will miss you. And hey, thanks for the Christmas Card. I was very touched that you would send me one. Goodbye.

XOXO

Happy Valentines Day! 

Majority vs: Minority

Let’s talk about majorities and minorities for a minute. Do you ever feel like being in the majority isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be? That being a white, middle class, Mormon in Utah isn’t always peaches and cream? Sometimes I feel like the freedom of speech law only applies to the minorities in our society. They can say whatever they want, but if the average middle class white man speaks out they get called a racist or a bigot. Let the minorities shout out their beliefs from the rooftops, but the majority better zip their lips.

But it’s more than just freedom of speech. Can you imagine for just a moment what would happen if someone suggested that we have a white history month? Or an entire parade dedicated to straight people? These things are not two way streets. And what if we said things like “White Pride” and “Straight Pride”? How is this different from “Black Pride” and “Gay Pride”? But somehow, it is. It is very different. Because in our society, the majority is so worried about being “politically correct” and not offending anyone, that somehow the same rules do not apply to the people who we are trying so hard to not offend.

And let’s go one step further. The rules that apply to the majority do not apply to the minority. Here are a few examples of what I am talking about.

-#1: When I was in the ninth grade I broke my knee jumping hurdles in gym class. My gym teacher yelled at me to stop crying and being such a baby. She also made me crawl on my butt, dragging my broken knee, across the wet and muddy soccer field so I would be out of everyone’s way. My doctor told me that if they had called an ambulance and not moved me, I may not have had to have surgery on my knee. We had every reason to sue the school, but we knew that their defense would be “You’re just doing this because the gym teacher is a lesbian”, and we knew we could never win that battle in court.

#2: We went to a supposedly family friendly restaurant for dinner one time. In the booth next to us were two women who were making out- to put things nicely. But it wasn’t just kissing. There were limbs flailing about, inappropriate noises being made, and petting of the most intense kind. It was quite the spectacle. When someone close by complained to the manager about this, the manager simply said, “We can’t afford a lawsuit against the LGBT community”. Um… what?! If this was a man and a woman doing this, you know for sure they would have been asked to leave. Double standard!

#3: At the library we can help patrons with computers to a certain extent, which means we can help them with the basics. We don’t have enough time or staff however to sit down and do everything for them. We just have too many people to serve. Well one day I was trying to help a Latino women print off some documents but after I helped her I had to go help some other patrons who were waiting at the desk. She eventually got mad at me for not sitting down at her computer, designing her entire project (which would have taken at least an hour) and then printing it out for her. When I told her I could only help her print it out but that she needed to design the layout herself she got mad and said, “You just don’t want to help me because I am Latino”. I don’t care If you are blue with purple polka dots, I simply cannot do what you are asking, and you would be better off going to a copy center where that is in their job description.

And maybe this is just me, but do you ever feel like the minorities look down on YOU because your race/ethnicity enslaved/tortured/ridiculed/etc THEIR race/ethnicity? It’s like come on. I didn’t make you work in my corn field, take you to a concentration camp, or make you live on a reservation. And I am sorry that that happened to those people but here’s the thing: #1: I wasn’t there, and #2:  Neither were you! So… do we have to live with the mistakes of previous generations forever? Because last time I checked there were evil people of all races, ethnicities, and cultures.

Lastly, let us talk about labels. I hate labels:  white people, black people, gay people, straight people, religious people, and atheist people. Want to know what I notice about all of those labels?  They are all people. Say Whaaaaat? Imagine that. All of them are people. Human beings who feel love and hate and anger and generosity, who have families and hopes and dreams, and who are all (for the most part) doing the best that they can in a cold and cynical world.

So what is my solution to the whole majority vs: minority battle you ask? It’s pretty simple really. Let’s forget the past, forget who wronged who because we weren’t there. Let’s be able to speak our minds about our thoughts, beliefs, and feelings without fear of causing offense, because it’s our uniqueness that makes us special.  Let’s drop the labels and see each other for our similarities rather than our differences. And let’s build each other up rather than tearing each other down. What a thought right? It will never happen right? Well, YOU can make it happen. And one person changing themselves is one step closer to changing the world, just saying. 

Squeak. Squeak. Squeak. Aaaaaagggghhhh!

Have you heard the kids who wear squeaky shoes? Can I just send out a question to the internet void? Why in the H-E-double hockey sticks would you buy these shoes for your kids? Do you hate humans? Do you want to annoy people so much that they finally crack and become a raving lunatic? Because honestly, that is the only reason I can see to buy these 'menace to society' footwear. But if your are a gluten for punishment, and want to listen to the squeak, squeak, squeak sound all day long, PLEASE! in the the name of all that is holy, take them off before you come to the library!

 The End.

Precious Moments

I am 100% positive that my son was sent to me to help me laugh every day. I heard someone somewhere say that you need one good laugh every single day to live a happy life. Since Leland was born, I am fairly certain that he has made me laugh at least once every day of his life. He is such a funny kid and has seriously brought so much joy into our home.  Even during those sleepless nights and hard first days of being a new mommy, he made me laugh right out loud with some funny little thing that he did. He really is a very entertaining kiddo.

So this morning he woke up around 6 am for his bottle. After I had finished feeding him and changed his diaper I was carrying him to the crib and he does this new thing where he loves to put his cheek right on yours, which is really sweet. I just stood holding him cheek to cheek for a minute, enjoying this precious moment with my baby when we ended up forehead to forehead. I was all like, “Wow, what a wonderful moment I am sharing with my son”, when all of a sudden he starts sucking on my nose. I was so surprised and it felt so weird that I just started laughing. Well when I laugh he laughs and then he tries to make me laugh again, so he started sucking on my nose again. So of course I started laughing again which made him laugh again and we just had one big laughing fest in the wee morning hours.

It may sound really simple, and may not be that funny to you, but it honestly made my whole day. I love that he loves to make me laugh. I am certain that he tries to make me laugh. When really, shouldn’t it be the other way around? It’s just another affirmation that he is heaven sent. He is what I need. He is what our home and family needs. He is my good hardy laugh a day. I find his sense of humor completely hilarious. 

It's My Pity Party and I'll Cry if I Want To

For the last little while I have been having one big fat pity party for myself.  From a paralyzed face, a concussion, getting a new car, having that car break within a week, a broken oven, broken washing machine, etc. it has been a rough couple of months in the Palmer home. We also have some family members that are going through especially difficult trials, so add all of that up and throw the holidays in the mix and you get one stressed out, tired, and overwhelmed girl. I don’t know what was wrong with me, but I never, not once felt the Christmas spirit this year. It’s probably because I was so self-involved and Christmas time is supposed to be a time of charity. Bottom line, the holidays kind of sucked…. Big time.

This last weekend I decided I needed a break from my life so I ran away to my parent’s home. It was a really nice little get away and definitely cured my ‘holiday homesickness’ that I had been feeling. Is it weird that I am 26 years old, have been away from home for eight years, and still get homesick? Anyway, on Sunday I went to my home ward for church and it was a completely different experience than I have ever had in my own ward. This is the ward that I grew up in. Most of the people there have known me since I was three years old, so I had tons of people come up to me, take a peek at Leland, tell me it was good to see me, ask how I was doing, etc. etc. etc. I felt welcomed and loved and it was so nice to have people in church actually know who I was and call me by name. Because I was feeling so welcomed and so happy I was able to feel the spirit so strongly. I haven’t been to church in…. a long time. Like a really long time. I feel ashamed writing that, but I have really struggled spiritually lately. Every Sunday morning I come up with a million and one reasons of why I shouldn’t go to church that day. But this last Sunday made me realize two things. #1. Having friends at church makes a huge difference. I think part of the reason that I struggle with my church attendance is that when I go to my ward no one talks to me. I feel like no one knows me there, and they don’t really care to. I sit all by myself in Relief Society counting down the minutes until Justin joins me for Sunday School. I feel so lonely and it is a terrible feeling to have at church. #2. I didn’t realize that I was starving my spirit by not going to church. I have been ornery and cranky and so selfish lately, and I think it is mostly due to the lack of spirituality in my life. My soul hungers for the gospel and I was denying it, literally starving it to death. I didn’t realize how much I missed church until I went back and my soul sighed with relief from the spiritual nourishment that it had received.

So this year my main goal, or New Year’s resolution if you will, is to feed my spiritual side. Because I miss church. I miss reading my scriptures. I miss praying. And I miss having gospel conversations with people. When people ask me to go to the temple with them I want to be ready to go and not have to hang my head in shame that I don’t have a current temple recommend. I have gone through spiritual ups and downs  before, and they always mark some of the darkest days of my life. You would think I would learn my lesson by now but I just don’t. Pride circle remember?

I am excited for 2013 to be over. It was a hard year for me, largely in part because I was pregnant for more than half of it, but also because we had some pretty hard trials come our way.  I like fresh starts. I look forward to the things that 2014 will bring. It’s exciting, this being able to start over thing and gaining a desire to do better, be better. 

Work Smart AND Hard

I read such a good article today- I just have to share it with you. It is called 'How many are following the worst advice in the world' by Mark Rowe. In the article he talks about how our society is constantly selling the idea of higher education, and he explains that in doing so, we have come to the belief that one size fits all. But when has that ever been the case with anything? Nothing in this world is one size fits all because every person is different, and education is no exception. His idea is that we need to stop selling higher education and start selling a strong work ethic. Too many people these days are in debt from school and when they graduate they can't even find jobs that they were trained for. I myself know several people who have graduated from a major university but are not working in their studied fields because there were no jobs available for them. Just because you get a degree doesn't necessarily guarantee you a job, but that is the mindset that we have come to know.

Also, the whole selling education idea, has come to make people without degrees feel worthless or like they are second class citizens. Because if you don't have a degree, you must be stupid right? But the thing is is that we all have different talents. That's why society works so well. We can't all be doctors and lawyers. Who would fix our cars for us or grow our food for us? There HAS to be "blue collar" workers for everything to balance out.

I guess this article hit kind of close to home. I myself had to take out student loans to pay for college but ended up never finishing school. So I am in debt without a degree. I have referred to myself as a "dropout" before which honestly sounds like a "stupid person" term, but I do not consider myself as stupid. I am smart in my own ways, college just wasn't for me. If I could just take English classes than I would be back in a heartbeat, but math and science kick my butt. I hate taking those classes and I REALLY hate paying thousands of dollars to take subjects that I loathe completely. It wasn't worth it for me. I have never excelled in the scholarly world, even back in high school. But there are times when I feel like a big fat failure because I never got my bachelors degree. Mark Rowe's article definitely made me feel better about that.

I think this is a must read. Especially for teachers and parents. I think we should stop selling education and start selling a strong honest work ethic and gaining skills that are actually marketable. We need to teach our children that if they don't go to college, that it is okay, as long as they are working hard and doing the very best that they can. College is great. It really is. But it is not meant for everyone and we need to change our mindset that it is the ONLY path to success.

You can read the full article here (and please do, it's a good one).