The Year of Intent

Have you heard of choosing a word of intent for your year? I have a few Uzzie friends who do this. They choose one word to focus on for the entire year. People choose words like: faith, success, happiness, gratitude, etc. The idea has always intrigued me, but I hadn't ever done it. I decided to try it out this year because, why not?

To put it lightly, last year was hellish. I lost my 26 year old cousin to cancer. My aunt was diagnosed with cancer. My grandpa passed away. I faced some other very personal challenges. There was just so much sadness, so much heartache, so much loss. I am still struggling with my grandpa's death. Every once in a while it will just hit me in the gut like a sucker punch, I miss him a lot. But anyway, back to my point, not my best year. (apart from Isilee who by far was the best part of my year)

It took me a long time to choose my word. I knew I wanted a word to help me focus on being more positive, to enjoy living more, to relish the moments that I have and not take anything for granted. I thought about 'happiness' and 'joy' but to me those words represent a state of being. I wanted to pursue those feelings, so I needed more of an action word. I was googling this and that and what not, when I stumbled upon the phrase, "Delight in your day". That was it. Delight. I don't want to just enjoy my children, I wanted to DELIGHT in them. I don't want to just muddle through marriage, I want to DELIGHT in my marriage.  I don't want to just survive life, I want to DELIGHT in it.  Delight was the action word that I needed.

There is a website called My Intent Project that will actually make you a bracelet with your word inscribed on it. I knew I needed to order myself one so that I would have a constant reminder of my goal for the year, after all, I am a very forgetful person who has a lot of good intentions thrown by the wayside. (I have a stack of un-mailed thank you cards to prove it)  It may sound silly, but it has actually helped me a lot. It has become the mantra I say to myself in my head when a kiddo wakes me up at three in the morning, "Delight in your children, for they won't be little for long." I say it when I have to set an alarm and wake up early, "Delight in your day because each day you live is a blessing." I have even found myself repeating it in a busy checkout line at the grocery store, "Delight in the fact that you no longer work at the grocery store and get to go home, while this poor cashier has to deal with the angry man behind you." And yes, sometimes my mantra comes out snarky or sarcastic, but even that helps me because it makes me "delight in my sense of humor".

It is only February so my word of intent project has only been going for about a month now, but so far I am happy with the experiment. I really hate setting new year resolutions because I never accomplish them and that just makes me feel bad about myself. Having a word of intent however is easy and doable and actually seems to be working. Granted I still have my bad moments and bad days but who doesn't? This might just become a yearly thing for me, I think I like it.

Endings and New Beginnings

There is a tornado of emotions swirling within me right now. I am approaching my last two weeks of being pregnant and struggling with all of the feelings that accompany that. There is a very good chance that this is the last time in my life that I will ever be pregnant again, so there's that. Although I do not like being pregnant, I understand and am eternally grateful for how lucky I am to have the ability to be pregnant so easily without any complications or years and years of waiting for it to happen. I can definitely appreciate the miracle that growing and carrying a baby inside of you is. This baby girl of mine is a wiggle worm and I know in my heart that I am going to miss that feeling. To be able to feel something so precious is something too sacred to put into words. So yes, I am going to miss this. But there is also a feeling of excitement and anticipation to meet her. An anxiousness to finally have her in my arms and a real, tangible part of our family.

There is also this overwhelming feeling of guilt I feel for my first born. Being a second child myself, I am a little confused by this feeling, but it is there all the same. Will Leland be okay? I find myself asking this question at least a million times a day. Its been him and I for so long now, almost four years. We are best buddies. How will a second child change the dynamic between us? How much jealousy will he feel towards his baby sister when mom is having to give her so much of her time and energy? Will he digress? Will my relationship with my son change for the worse? Everyone tells me that it somehow just works. That your love as a mother is not divided, but multiplied. I pray they are right. I pray that Leland is strong enough to handle all of this change that is headed his way. It seems like a lot to ask of a three year old. I find myself lately craving to be near Leland, to soak up these last few precious moments I have alone with him. For some reason I am finding it very difficult to say goodbye to this time of our lives, but that only makes me feel guilty towards my second child. This mom guilt thing is a terrible feeling, like neither of my children can both win.

And there is that dreaded feeling of fear. A fear that is so overpowering it threatens to wash me away completely. The beast is coming. I know it is. I may have better tools to fight it this time, but it is coming nonetheless.  It is unavoidable, that beastly monster of depression that comes after birth. Postpartum depression is a foul, loathsome, demon that haunts me even before it has arrived. It nearly tore my marriage apart last time. What horrors will it have in store for me this time? There is nothing but dread in the pit of my stomach when I think about this. Can my family afford to have this creature of darkness enter our home? Are we strong enough?

Some how we will all make it through the next few months in one piece. There will be a day in the future when I come back to read this blog and laugh at myself for being such a worry wart and for not having more faith. At least, I have hope for that day anyway. I am nervous to have a newborn again. I am anxious thinking about the long nights with no sleep. I worry about my son. I am scared for postpartum depression. I am excited to meet this baby girl. I am slightly concerned about the medical bills headed our way. I am a million different emotions in one very tired and very pregnant body. So I sit at my computer in the middle of the night, too stressed out to sleep, and I type it all out. And somehow, I feel better.

Ramblings of a Prego Lady

The decision to have another child was not an easy one for me. Okay, let me re-phrase that, the decision to get pregnant again was not an easy one for me. In my naive teenage years I always thought I would have four or five kids. And then the first one came and though he is mostly an angel, the entire experience was absolutely awful. He isn't awful. I was awful! When I was pregnant with Leland I lost over 60 pounds. I threw up every single day I was pregnant and every hour I was in labor. They told me that morning sickness would only last my first trimester- HA! First trimester my ass! Add the sickness to the raw emotions and mood swings and quite frankly, I was a beastly mess. After he came along the nausea and throwing up thankfully went away, but the mood swings did not. For the next year or two I was plagued with some of the darkest depression I have ever experienced. Those days marks the worst fights that Justin and I have ever had. I ruined friendships. Tested my family. I basically felt like I was drowning and I was taking everyone around me down with me.

However, I never wanted my son to be an only child. How boring would that be for him? Deciding to go through my living hell again, after finally feeling like I could breathe again, was hard. People kept asking me when I was going to give Leland a sibling, and time was ticking ever-onward, but I knew what was right for me. I didn't want my children to be farther apart in ages, I needed them to be. I needed time to let my body and mind heal. I needed to finally enjoy motherhood for a while before I entered the living hell again. And I knew that throwing up every day with a 3 year old would be much, much easier then with an 18 month old. I am so glad that I waited. Leland is much more independent these days and can be left alone for short periods of time. He isn't as needy and although I feel bad for letting his shows babysit him, it is wonderful that he can sit quietly for a while while mommy is on the bathroom floor.

This time around has definitely not been easy. But I feel like being more open about my struggles has helped a lot. I have more support. My mom and mother in law have been wonderful for taking Leland for a while and giving him a break from the barfing. I have friends and neighbors who offer to watch him on my really bad days. 12 weeks in and I am already down 20 pounds. I feel like I have entered that scary world of barely living on survival mode. I haven't been a good wife, mother, friend, daughter, sister, grand-daughter, etc. I hate that feeling of only doing what's absolutely necessary and not being able to do a whit more then that. I am frustrated. I am on two different prescriptions from my doctor, wearing sea-bands every day, and doing another number of home remedies for nausea, and still, nothing works. Being this sick for this long is both physically and emotionally draining.

I am also grateful. I feel so grateful for being able to feel Heavenly Father's awareness of me and my suffering. An example of this happened this week. On Monday I was not able to get a single piece of food down my throat without gagging. I was worried about what going so long without food or drink would do to my baby because it wasn't getting the nutrition it needed. That night I jumped on Facebook and asked my friends for advice. Not only did they offer advice, but they gave me consoling words and some of them even offered to pray for me. I was still discouraged, and hungry, but their kindness touched me deeply. The next morning I woke up and I knew instantly something had changed. I didn't feel sick. I didn't have the immediate urge to run to the toilet. I haven't had a morning like that since I got pregnant. That day I was not only able to get a meal down, but to keep it down. And for the first time, in a long time, I felt thirsty. It was a miracle. Maybe a small and simple miracle, but a miracle nonetheless. That day I could literally feel the prayers of others benefiting me and lifting me up. I have heard people say that they can feel other people's prayers for them, but I have never experienced it first hand. After such a long, hard few weeks, I really needed that win. All I really wanted was just one day, one good day to not feel sick, and I got it after one of my worst days. I think Heavenly Father knew I needed a break and He gave it to me. I feel nothing but gratitude.

I have had many small instances that buoy me up and give me the strength to carry on one more day through this misery. Watching Leland sleep. A good belly-laugh with my friend. A date with my husband. Being inspired by General Conference. They are all such small things but each one gives me the strength to go on.  One of the biggest miracles was when I had my first ultra sound. I was able to witness my small jelly bean jumping and dancing and wiggling and I don't think anything is more miraculous then that. I have life inside of me and that is amazing. I know this suffering will be a blink in time and in April I will be holding one of God's most miraculous little miracles in my arms and I'll think, "Well, that wasn't really so bad was it?" And who knows, maybe in a few years I will be stupid enough to sign up for this all over again. All I can say is, thank heavens these precious angels are worth it!

Topsy Turvy World

I live in a strange world.

A world that celebrates life on Mars,

but destroys life in the womb.

A world that values a gorillas life

over a small boys.

I live in a world where we give money

to the lazy

but ignore our vets, refugees, 

and poor.

If I believe officer's lives matter,

then black peoples don't.

Instead of creating a third bathroom,

we open the doors for all to enter.

I live in a world where celebrities,

and felons,

can run for office.

If you don't do parenting my way,

you are doing it wrong!

A world where "medical use"

is undervalued to "prescription use".

Though both can help and hurt equally.

I live in a world where "Christian"

means bigot.

And don't even get me started on

"those damn Mormons".

When it comes to sex

everything goes:

Pornography

Trafficking

Affairs

Child Molestation

One night stands

Rape

It's there, but lets not talk of uncomfortable things.

Instead, let's portray sex in our media

as fun, meaningless, and carefree.

While we are at it

lets put violence in our video games

and then wonder why in the hell

people kill people.

Let's worry about things like

bathrooms, gorillas, and parent shaming

while there our shootings, hunger,

and terrorists.

Common sense, kindness, human decency

are things of the past.

Let's take a selfie.

Precious Moments

One thing about me that you will learn quickly is that I don't really have secrets. I am an open book and I like it that way. I have been accused of over-sharing and airing out my dirty laundry for the entire internet world to see, but guess what? I don't care. Ask me a question and I will answer. I prefer honesty and real life. I like the behind the scenes more than the portrayal of perfection. So, that being said, I have recently been changing up my prescriptions a bit. This means that for the last two weeks I have entered beast mode. As most of you know I have depression, and if you didn't know, you do now. Changing medications is such a terrifying thing for me. I have had meds that have made me so suicidal that it scared the living daylights out of me! I have never been that close to death and I hope to never be so again. These last two weeks as I adjusted with the new, I have not been myself... or scary thought... maybe I was myself... ugh... I hope that's not who I am haha. I was so impatient. Angry. Irritable. I was having the worst anxiety attacks. One morning at breakfast Leland was rubbing his foot up and down my leg and I thought I was going to jump out of the window. Bottom line: It has not been a fun couple of weeks for anyone in my house.

Then this weekend happened. The clouds parted and the sun came out and glory hallelujah I feel like myself again! Today as we were driving to my in-laws, a mere five blocks away from our house, Leland passed out in the back seat. He had had a busy weekend and the poor little stink was tuckered out. I sat in the car so that he could take a little snooze because I didn't want to wake him up trying to get him out of his car seat. When he woke up though, he woke up grumpy. He was pretty upset and crying for me. I got "B" and held him in my arms, stroked his hair, kissed his cheeks, and was overcome with the love that I have for my little person. He snuggled right in to me and let me hold him longer then he has done in a long time. I soaked up every single second of that snuggle, completely cherishing this precious moment I had with my baby. I was so grateful that I felt like myself again to appreciate it fully. Beast me would have been irritated at the crying and fussiness. It was such a blessing.

Then tonight I told Leland that he could watch ten minutes of monster trucks on youtube before bedtime. I went and laid in my bed to rest my back and play on my phone. In a few moments however, Leland climbed into my bed, snuggled up against me, and started singing me his songs and telling me his made up stories. Then it was my turn to tell him some stories so I told him Goldilocks and the Three Bears, The Three Little Pigs, and Jack and the Beanstalk. He started telling me stories again mixing up all three of those stories into one grand adventure. I thought the line, "And then Jack showed his mom jelly beans and she got mad and threw them out the window and yelled 'We can't have more candy! We need real food!" was especially funny.  I laughed and I laughed at this wonderful boy's imagination and intellect. His bedtime came and went and still we laughed, told stories, sang songs, and cuddled. It was the perfect moment.

As I lay my perfect boy in his bed tonight our conversation went like this:
Me: I love you so much, Leland.
Leland: I love you so much too, Mommy.
Me: You're my best friend.
Leland: You're my best friend too mommy. And best friends should be together forever and ever.

This kid of mine. He fills my heart with joy. I am so grateful for modern day medicine that gives me the opportunity to feast upon these moments, to really dig into them and treasure them. I know without a shadow of a doubt that I am going to miss this age. I am trying to soak it all in. While I love watching him grow and learn new things, I am also shouting for time to slow down and for him to stay my baby forever. It's all a whirlwind that is going too fast.

In this moment, right now, I love being "Mommy". The beast is going to rear its ugly head again, you can count on it. I will fight it again and again and again. I will be victorious. I will fight for my son because he deserves to have the kind of mommy I was today. Today was a good mommy day. Tomorrow may be an entirely different story. Life is funny like that.

Sadness

If you know me at all then you know that I feel BIG emotions. I am a very sensitive person. Growing up I always thought this was one of my greatest weaknesses, but as I get older, I think Heavenly Father considers it a strength. And if HE thinks it is a strength, then I better learn to love this quality about myself. It is not easy coming to love a personality trait that I have always despised. I am constantly wishing for thicker skin. But one thing that comes along with feeling big emotions, is the ability to have a lot of empathy for people. And empathy is a Christ-like trait. It can also be very emotionally taxing.

Sometimes I read stories on the news (we do not have TV so I follow all of the news channels on FB), and I feel so much emotion I can barely contain it. Like that dad who left his 18 month old in the car overnight in this freezing weather in just a diaper. I found myself wishing that there was a special place in hell reserved just for him. I find myself mourning with people that I have never met and it is hard to not drown in the sorrow of the world sometimes. A few weeks ago one of my cousin-in-laws lost her brother. And as I started telling Justin about it I began to cry. Not just cry. But ugly-cry, sobbing, gasping for breath. I think Justin was completely flabbergasted by the amount of emotion that was pouring out of me. Especially because this was a man that I had never even met. When he asked me why I was so upset I just started rambling, "Because think of everyone who is so sad about his death! So many people miss him and feel his loss. And he was so young and seemed like such a good man! And it makes me think of Zach (my brother) and how sad I would be if I lost him" and of course thinking about my own brother dying brought on a fresh wave of emotion. So sometimes this whole empathy thing turns me into a big goopy pile of hot mess.

This last week my cousin lost his life after a three year battle with leukemia. I regret that I didn't know this man better. After sitting in his funeral yesterday I learned more about his life and what an incredible spiritual strength he was. I mourned for his wife and three children. I mourned for his parents. I mourned for everyone who ever knew him, basically. I probably got to see him once a year, sometimes more, and he would always come up to me and call me by name and give me a hug. And although it wasn't much, it meant a lot to me. Especially because we have A LOT of cousins on the Paulsen side, but he made time for all of us. He made everyone feel special. He was a good man and he will be missed.

I felt completely emotionally drained after a day like yesterday. Crying is more exhausting than going to the gym! What is the point of this blog? I have no idea. I just have felt so many emotions this past week that I find myself sitting down at my computer and typing. Typing my thoughts. My feelings. My emotions. Today was ward conference and our bishop gave the most eloquent talk on holding strong to the Lord's commandments and our beliefs during life's storms. It was exactly what I needed to hear after a day like yesterday. The last song we sang was Battle Hymn of the Republic and it just filled my soul up with so much goodness. Why is it that a ward who barely sings during every song, practically shouts that one out?! It is amazing what that song does to a sleepy congregation! I love that song. I have a deep respect for my bishop- I know he is an inspired man. I am grateful that I have this firm foundation to cling to in the stormy weather of  this world. I used to loathe Sundays. Now I love them. I feel so rejuvenated today. It has completely prepared me for another week. I feel blessed and happy and at peace.

If you ever need a crying buddy, or just a shoulder to cry on, you know who to call now!  ;)

Sweet Reunion

Have you ever had friends that you meet in your life and you just know instantly that this is a lifelong friendship kind of thing? I have a few of those friends, most of which are former roommates. I had over 30 roommates before I got married. Some of them were amazing. Some of them were rude and annoying. A handful of them were bat shit crazy. But my best roommate group would have to be when I lived in Highlander just off of campus. We had an instant connection. We got along great. We just clicked. It has been four years since living in that apartment and I am so happy to say that we are ALL still friends! Some of us have graduated, some of us have moved away, some of us have gotten married and started families of our own. But tonight, after more than a year of not seeing one another, we met up and had a roommate reunion. And it was fabulous. It was like we had never been apart. These girls, well, I just love em I tell ya! We talk about the deep stuff and the silly stuff and the stuff that makes us laugh so hard we cry. We have seriously different personalities and it makes it so absolutely wonderful. It really is amazing how well we get along. We might not see each other as often as we would like, but I just know that this is a group that will last forever.

Kind of sappy post, I know. But having good friends like these means the world to me! Every good mom and wife need a good entourage of girlfriends to back her up! Here is mine:

Pay it Forward

The other day at the library I was helping a woman who had a $1.00 fine. She handed me a ten dollar bill and asked me if I would put the extra money towards someone’s fines that really needed it because they were struggling financially or what not. She said she hadn’t done any service for the day yet and so decided that this would be her service. I was very touched by this. It sounded like she tried to do something like this at least once a day. What a great way to live right? All that she asked was that I ask the person who received the money to pay it forward in some small act of service for someone else.

A little later on a new mom came in with her three small children and a newborn in her arms. She had a substantial fine (for the library anyway) and said that she hadn’t been able to bring the books back on time because she was on bed rest and maternity leave. I decided that this would be the perfect person to give the money to. When I told her that someone had paid for her fines she was shocked and seemed so incredibly grateful. I told her that her benefactor simply asked her to do some kind of service for someone else in return. The lady said that she most definitely would and thanked me profusely, though I didn’t do anything.

I know nine dollars doesn’t seem like a big deal, but it kind of was to me. And I’m sure it was to the woman who received it. It inspired her and all of the librarians to do something kind and pay it forward. I want to live like this generous woman. I may not have a lot of excess money, but I can do small things. She made me want to pay it forward, and I hope this story makes you want to too! 

Happy Friday to YOU!

 Guys! Guys! Guys! Guess what guys?! It's FRIDAY!!! Happy weekend to ya! This weekend will be full of nothing to do. Isn't that wonderful. There might be cleaning. There might be laundry. There might be a certain dog getting a bath. There might even be some yard work. Who knows? But you can bet your bottom dollar that there WILL be garage sales. There WILL be sunshine. And there WILL be time with family. In case I haven't made you excited for the weekend, here are a couple of others to help you get in the weekend mood!

The Butler

Have you seen the movie 'The Butler'? As I was watching it today I really really liked it. But then the last ten minutes or so I just got really mad and I felt like those last minutes of a great film ruined the whole movie for me. The movie is about a black man who serves as the White House butler for more than twenty years- serving the different presidents as they come and go in office. It also depicts the Civil Rights Movement and how persecuted the black people of America were at that time. The entire movie completely moved me and there were spots that definitely brought tears to my eyes. The Civil Rights Movement was a terrible time in American history. Many people died and were hurt fighting in a war for equal rights on their home soil. All of the actors did an amazing job in their roles and I really did love this movie.

BUT then it comes to the time when Barack Obama is up for election. After watching an entire movie dedicated to Civil Rights, it ends with Obama. The hero of the story talks about how he could have never imagined a world where a black man could have a real chance of becoming the president of the United States of America. He talks about how he and his wife walk past the city office building every night to see where they will go to vote for Obama- they are that excited to be voting for a black man. Then when he wins the election they start crying because they are so happy that finally, after years of fighting for equal rights, there is a black man in the Oval Office. I think the point they were trying to make was how far black people have come since the 1960's, but that's not what I took away from it at all.

Here is my problem with it. They always use the world 'black' when talking about Obama. The sole reason they are voting for Obama is because of the color of his skin. Does this rub anyone else the wrong way?? Because I was under the impression that The Civil Rights Movement was to create equality among the races, but here we are in the 21'st century electing a president merely because of the color of his skin. There was no mention whatsoever about his politics, his beliefs, what kind of man he was, NOTHING. All they focused on was that he was black. Whoop-dee-doo. Maybe we haven't become as color blind as we would like to think. And I'm sure it goes both ways. I have no doubt in my mind that there are white people out there that didn't vote for Obama merely on the color of his skin. Here I am rooting for this struggling family the whole step of the way, and in the last ten minutes I lose all respect for them because they choose race and ignore politics. It's people like that that are going to drive this country to hell. It's not Obama. It is the people that elected him.

What are your thoughts?

Sunshine!

Oh my goodness, guys! Spring is here! Can you believe it?! Are you absolutely LOVING the sunshine and good weather as much as I am? I seriously can't get enough of it. All these warm temperatures have given me spring fever, and with that I am in the mood to go shopping for cute flip flops and capris, swimming suits, beach toys, spring home decor... ah! I need money! Am I the only one who gets in the mood to shop at spring? I hope not!

On my day off this week I vowed to clean my house, like deep spring clean my house. So I did the main stuff in my bathroom and kitchen, but then I looked out the window which was a big mistake. The sunshine was calling my name in furious shouts that refused to be ignored, so I just had to answer the call, I had to guys. I packed Leland up in the stroller and we walked around the neighborhood and walked to the park where he rode his first swing for the first time. I was surprised by his reaction, I thought he would absolutely love it but the most reaction I got out of him was he was kicking his feet back and forth in glee and oh my gosh it was the cutest thing ever! After our walk I just wasn't ready to go inside yet so I spread a blanket out on our front lawn and I finished my book while Leland played with toys and then we played fetch with Zorro for a good hour. And did I mention this all happened in bright, glorious, brilliant, SUNSHINE! Wow, seriously a good dose of sunshine is just what the doctor ordered for me this week! And if that wasn't enough tonight Leland and I played outside with my SIL and my niece with sidewalk chalk and oh boy did that make me feel like a little kid all over again and bring a good dose of happiness to my soul!

Yup spring has sprung which means summer is right around the corner, holla! (Yes I really did just say holla!). My goodness I love flip flops, long summer nights, camping, smores, Bear Lake trips with raspberry shakes, fresh produce from the garden, the car show, the fourth of July, summer reading at the library, the windows in my car rolled down, tan skin, icy drinks, garage sales, and basically just being outside all of the freaking time!! I was pregnant all of last summer, which sucked butt, so I think I am even more excited than normal for this one cause I was so jipped last year. (totally worth it by the way but I could have done with less morning sickness, just sayin').

So did you know it was possible to dedicate an entire blog to warm weather? Congrats if you made it to the end of my neurotic obsession of summer, but in case you don't get it by now, I LOVE SUMMER!

Cousins

First time with sidewalk chalk at 7 months

I traced Leland's bum and made a bunny out of it

Majority vs: Minority

Let’s talk about majorities and minorities for a minute. Do you ever feel like being in the majority isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be? That being a white, middle class, Mormon in Utah isn’t always peaches and cream? Sometimes I feel like the freedom of speech law only applies to the minorities in our society. They can say whatever they want, but if the average middle class white man speaks out they get called a racist or a bigot. Let the minorities shout out their beliefs from the rooftops, but the majority better zip their lips.

But it’s more than just freedom of speech. Can you imagine for just a moment what would happen if someone suggested that we have a white history month? Or an entire parade dedicated to straight people? These things are not two way streets. And what if we said things like “White Pride” and “Straight Pride”? How is this different from “Black Pride” and “Gay Pride”? But somehow, it is. It is very different. Because in our society, the majority is so worried about being “politically correct” and not offending anyone, that somehow the same rules do not apply to the people who we are trying so hard to not offend.

And let’s go one step further. The rules that apply to the majority do not apply to the minority. Here are a few examples of what I am talking about.

-#1: When I was in the ninth grade I broke my knee jumping hurdles in gym class. My gym teacher yelled at me to stop crying and being such a baby. She also made me crawl on my butt, dragging my broken knee, across the wet and muddy soccer field so I would be out of everyone’s way. My doctor told me that if they had called an ambulance and not moved me, I may not have had to have surgery on my knee. We had every reason to sue the school, but we knew that their defense would be “You’re just doing this because the gym teacher is a lesbian”, and we knew we could never win that battle in court.

#2: We went to a supposedly family friendly restaurant for dinner one time. In the booth next to us were two women who were making out- to put things nicely. But it wasn’t just kissing. There were limbs flailing about, inappropriate noises being made, and petting of the most intense kind. It was quite the spectacle. When someone close by complained to the manager about this, the manager simply said, “We can’t afford a lawsuit against the LGBT community”. Um… what?! If this was a man and a woman doing this, you know for sure they would have been asked to leave. Double standard!

#3: At the library we can help patrons with computers to a certain extent, which means we can help them with the basics. We don’t have enough time or staff however to sit down and do everything for them. We just have too many people to serve. Well one day I was trying to help a Latino women print off some documents but after I helped her I had to go help some other patrons who were waiting at the desk. She eventually got mad at me for not sitting down at her computer, designing her entire project (which would have taken at least an hour) and then printing it out for her. When I told her I could only help her print it out but that she needed to design the layout herself she got mad and said, “You just don’t want to help me because I am Latino”. I don’t care If you are blue with purple polka dots, I simply cannot do what you are asking, and you would be better off going to a copy center where that is in their job description.

And maybe this is just me, but do you ever feel like the minorities look down on YOU because your race/ethnicity enslaved/tortured/ridiculed/etc THEIR race/ethnicity? It’s like come on. I didn’t make you work in my corn field, take you to a concentration camp, or make you live on a reservation. And I am sorry that that happened to those people but here’s the thing: #1: I wasn’t there, and #2:  Neither were you! So… do we have to live with the mistakes of previous generations forever? Because last time I checked there were evil people of all races, ethnicities, and cultures.

Lastly, let us talk about labels. I hate labels:  white people, black people, gay people, straight people, religious people, and atheist people. Want to know what I notice about all of those labels?  They are all people. Say Whaaaaat? Imagine that. All of them are people. Human beings who feel love and hate and anger and generosity, who have families and hopes and dreams, and who are all (for the most part) doing the best that they can in a cold and cynical world.

So what is my solution to the whole majority vs: minority battle you ask? It’s pretty simple really. Let’s forget the past, forget who wronged who because we weren’t there. Let’s be able to speak our minds about our thoughts, beliefs, and feelings without fear of causing offense, because it’s our uniqueness that makes us special.  Let’s drop the labels and see each other for our similarities rather than our differences. And let’s build each other up rather than tearing each other down. What a thought right? It will never happen right? Well, YOU can make it happen. And one person changing themselves is one step closer to changing the world, just saying. 

Squeak. Squeak. Squeak. Aaaaaagggghhhh!

Have you heard the kids who wear squeaky shoes? Can I just send out a question to the internet void? Why in the H-E-double hockey sticks would you buy these shoes for your kids? Do you hate humans? Do you want to annoy people so much that they finally crack and become a raving lunatic? Because honestly, that is the only reason I can see to buy these 'menace to society' footwear. But if your are a gluten for punishment, and want to listen to the squeak, squeak, squeak sound all day long, PLEASE! in the the name of all that is holy, take them off before you come to the library!

 The End.

The Sweetest Comeback

As I was driving home from work on  Thursday night I all of a sudden got the 'date itch'. So when I got home I woke my husband up and informed him that he was going to take me out on a date. Being the good sport that he is he agreed. We went and ate at Rumbi Grill which was delicious. Afterwards, being the party animals that we are, we decided to head over to Walmart to look at car seats and strollers.

Well, we had really good timing because when we got to Walmart the very first pallet of Hostess had been delivered just moments before. We had made it just in time for the grand re-opening of America's favorite product. The guy that was unloading it told us that this was the first pallet and he suspected it would be gone within the hour. He also informed us that Walmart is the only store allowed to sale it for the next two weeks. So we of course decided to grab a couple of boxes because don't you know that roasted Twinkies over the campfire is a treat from heaven?! 

So while we were getting our Hostess fix all of a sudden a mad rush of people swarmed that pallet like a moth to the flame. It was hilarious to watch guys, kind of like a 'black friday' ordeal.  Everyone started whipping out their phones and taking pictures of this grand event. I felt like I was part of history in the making or something. We Americans sure did miss that Hostess brand. Where would we be without their ding dongs, donuts, and twinkies? Skinnier yes. Happier no.