Why Be Anti Anything?

When something is bothering me and I can't get it off my mind I know I need to write it out. It's the only way I know of to get things out of my head. This particular "bug" has to do with anti-mormons.

More then a few years ago I had someone very near and dear to me leave the church that I am a member of. He walked away from the LDS church and I held no judgements towards him for doing so. I believe that we all need to choose the path, religious or not, that is best for us. I was still friends with him and all was well. Until it wasn't. He began to let bitterness enter his heart. He started posting anti-mormon articles. He joined the protesters at General Conference. He started saying horrible, destable things about everyone and anything to do with the church. It got so bad I knew it was time to cut ties with him. Because here's the thing- you don't have to believe it anymore, but I still do. And if he had an ounce of respect for any of his friends or family that still were members, he would have never spread such hatred. This was a man who served a mission. Someone who taught the most inspirational lessons. Gave the most spiritual talks. Helped others through times of doubt. And now? Now he has turned bitter and resentful. 

If you want to leave the church, that's your business, do what is best for you. But what I don't understand is why people can't just walk away and be done with it? Why attack something you once cherished? Especially when loved ones still cherish it? Why be anti anything? I know there are people out there who have been hurt by Mormon members. Like any other church on the planet, we are made up of imperfect people. People who have agency to choose evil and hurt others. But why let it destroy who you are? Why put hate into your life like that? Again- why be anti anything? What good does that do anyone, really? There is so much negativity, hatred, bigotry, racism, etc.  in the world today, why would you want to fuel those fires?? 

Let me just be blunt for a minute. A lot of LDS people are known for being oposed to gay rights/marriage. It's a hot topic with a lot of people. I have friends who are gay. Do I love them less? No. Do I think they are bad people? Nope. Do I think they are going to hell? Of course not! Does every Mormon have the same feelings as I do and treat their gay brothers and sisters with love and respect? Unfortunately, no. Imperfect people remember. It is definitely a two way street. It goes both ways. Bullying in church is actually kind of a sore spot for me. It infuriates me that so many members of the church I participate in feel justified in treating their fellow men so badly. I'm definitely not condoning that kind of behavior. But what I don't understand, is how people can turn around and become bullies themselves? It is quite baffling to me. 

Instead of being anti-mormon, anti-gay, anti-whatever... can't we be pro-something? pro-love? pro-acceptance? Pro-kindness to everyone. Seriously. Stop being anti anything. 

Ramblings of a Prego Lady

The decision to have another child was not an easy one for me. Okay, let me re-phrase that, the decision to get pregnant again was not an easy one for me. In my naive teenage years I always thought I would have four or five kids. And then the first one came and though he is mostly an angel, the entire experience was absolutely awful. He isn't awful. I was awful! When I was pregnant with Leland I lost over 60 pounds. I threw up every single day I was pregnant and every hour I was in labor. They told me that morning sickness would only last my first trimester- HA! First trimester my ass! Add the sickness to the raw emotions and mood swings and quite frankly, I was a beastly mess. After he came along the nausea and throwing up thankfully went away, but the mood swings did not. For the next year or two I was plagued with some of the darkest depression I have ever experienced. Those days marks the worst fights that Justin and I have ever had. I ruined friendships. Tested my family. I basically felt like I was drowning and I was taking everyone around me down with me.

However, I never wanted my son to be an only child. How boring would that be for him? Deciding to go through my living hell again, after finally feeling like I could breathe again, was hard. People kept asking me when I was going to give Leland a sibling, and time was ticking ever-onward, but I knew what was right for me. I didn't want my children to be farther apart in ages, I needed them to be. I needed time to let my body and mind heal. I needed to finally enjoy motherhood for a while before I entered the living hell again. And I knew that throwing up every day with a 3 year old would be much, much easier then with an 18 month old. I am so glad that I waited. Leland is much more independent these days and can be left alone for short periods of time. He isn't as needy and although I feel bad for letting his shows babysit him, it is wonderful that he can sit quietly for a while while mommy is on the bathroom floor.

This time around has definitely not been easy. But I feel like being more open about my struggles has helped a lot. I have more support. My mom and mother in law have been wonderful for taking Leland for a while and giving him a break from the barfing. I have friends and neighbors who offer to watch him on my really bad days. 12 weeks in and I am already down 20 pounds. I feel like I have entered that scary world of barely living on survival mode. I haven't been a good wife, mother, friend, daughter, sister, grand-daughter, etc. I hate that feeling of only doing what's absolutely necessary and not being able to do a whit more then that. I am frustrated. I am on two different prescriptions from my doctor, wearing sea-bands every day, and doing another number of home remedies for nausea, and still, nothing works. Being this sick for this long is both physically and emotionally draining.

I am also grateful. I feel so grateful for being able to feel Heavenly Father's awareness of me and my suffering. An example of this happened this week. On Monday I was not able to get a single piece of food down my throat without gagging. I was worried about what going so long without food or drink would do to my baby because it wasn't getting the nutrition it needed. That night I jumped on Facebook and asked my friends for advice. Not only did they offer advice, but they gave me consoling words and some of them even offered to pray for me. I was still discouraged, and hungry, but their kindness touched me deeply. The next morning I woke up and I knew instantly something had changed. I didn't feel sick. I didn't have the immediate urge to run to the toilet. I haven't had a morning like that since I got pregnant. That day I was not only able to get a meal down, but to keep it down. And for the first time, in a long time, I felt thirsty. It was a miracle. Maybe a small and simple miracle, but a miracle nonetheless. That day I could literally feel the prayers of others benefiting me and lifting me up. I have heard people say that they can feel other people's prayers for them, but I have never experienced it first hand. After such a long, hard few weeks, I really needed that win. All I really wanted was just one day, one good day to not feel sick, and I got it after one of my worst days. I think Heavenly Father knew I needed a break and He gave it to me. I feel nothing but gratitude.

I have had many small instances that buoy me up and give me the strength to carry on one more day through this misery. Watching Leland sleep. A good belly-laugh with my friend. A date with my husband. Being inspired by General Conference. They are all such small things but each one gives me the strength to go on.  One of the biggest miracles was when I had my first ultra sound. I was able to witness my small jelly bean jumping and dancing and wiggling and I don't think anything is more miraculous then that. I have life inside of me and that is amazing. I know this suffering will be a blink in time and in April I will be holding one of God's most miraculous little miracles in my arms and I'll think, "Well, that wasn't really so bad was it?" And who knows, maybe in a few years I will be stupid enough to sign up for this all over again. All I can say is, thank heavens these precious angels are worth it!

Sadness

If you know me at all then you know that I feel BIG emotions. I am a very sensitive person. Growing up I always thought this was one of my greatest weaknesses, but as I get older, I think Heavenly Father considers it a strength. And if HE thinks it is a strength, then I better learn to love this quality about myself. It is not easy coming to love a personality trait that I have always despised. I am constantly wishing for thicker skin. But one thing that comes along with feeling big emotions, is the ability to have a lot of empathy for people. And empathy is a Christ-like trait. It can also be very emotionally taxing.

Sometimes I read stories on the news (we do not have TV so I follow all of the news channels on FB), and I feel so much emotion I can barely contain it. Like that dad who left his 18 month old in the car overnight in this freezing weather in just a diaper. I found myself wishing that there was a special place in hell reserved just for him. I find myself mourning with people that I have never met and it is hard to not drown in the sorrow of the world sometimes. A few weeks ago one of my cousin-in-laws lost her brother. And as I started telling Justin about it I began to cry. Not just cry. But ugly-cry, sobbing, gasping for breath. I think Justin was completely flabbergasted by the amount of emotion that was pouring out of me. Especially because this was a man that I had never even met. When he asked me why I was so upset I just started rambling, "Because think of everyone who is so sad about his death! So many people miss him and feel his loss. And he was so young and seemed like such a good man! And it makes me think of Zach (my brother) and how sad I would be if I lost him" and of course thinking about my own brother dying brought on a fresh wave of emotion. So sometimes this whole empathy thing turns me into a big goopy pile of hot mess.

This last week my cousin lost his life after a three year battle with leukemia. I regret that I didn't know this man better. After sitting in his funeral yesterday I learned more about his life and what an incredible spiritual strength he was. I mourned for his wife and three children. I mourned for his parents. I mourned for everyone who ever knew him, basically. I probably got to see him once a year, sometimes more, and he would always come up to me and call me by name and give me a hug. And although it wasn't much, it meant a lot to me. Especially because we have A LOT of cousins on the Paulsen side, but he made time for all of us. He made everyone feel special. He was a good man and he will be missed.

I felt completely emotionally drained after a day like yesterday. Crying is more exhausting than going to the gym! What is the point of this blog? I have no idea. I just have felt so many emotions this past week that I find myself sitting down at my computer and typing. Typing my thoughts. My feelings. My emotions. Today was ward conference and our bishop gave the most eloquent talk on holding strong to the Lord's commandments and our beliefs during life's storms. It was exactly what I needed to hear after a day like yesterday. The last song we sang was Battle Hymn of the Republic and it just filled my soul up with so much goodness. Why is it that a ward who barely sings during every song, practically shouts that one out?! It is amazing what that song does to a sleepy congregation! I love that song. I have a deep respect for my bishop- I know he is an inspired man. I am grateful that I have this firm foundation to cling to in the stormy weather of  this world. I used to loathe Sundays. Now I love them. I feel so rejuvenated today. It has completely prepared me for another week. I feel blessed and happy and at peace.

If you ever need a crying buddy, or just a shoulder to cry on, you know who to call now!  ;)

An Inspirational Dancer

This is Gabe Adams. When I was in high school at Davis High his father was my seminary teacher. Brother Adams wanted his class to meet Gabe. He explained to us that the reason he did not have any limbs was because his birth mother took an abortion pill (illegal in the U.S.) while she was pregnant with Gabe. My seminary teacher had 13 kids of their own, but when they heard about Gabe, they knew they needed to adopt him. My seminary teacher shared a very spiritual experience with us- one that I don't feel right about posting over social media- but I will never in my life forget the day I met Gabe. He was then just five years old, and he was incredible. He climbed stairs with his chin, he could not only swim, but climb the stairs to the diving board and jump off. When he wasn't in his wheelchair he rolled around on the floor, maneuvering himself between the tiniest spaces. He let us all come up and touch his six pack- the kid was ripped! Pure muscle and not an ounce of fat!

It is amazing seeing him 12 years later accomplishing so much in his life. If anyone in this world has an excuse to not try scary things, it is this kid! But he doesn't let his missing limbs stop him from anything! He is such an inspiration to me. This kid is going places!!

Jesus Wants me for a Sunbeam

As some of you may know, Justin and I were called to be the Sunbeams teachers in Primary in our church. I was really excited (and nervous) for this calling because 1. It would help me get back to church 2. I have never been in primary but have always wanted to and 3. I am really rusty on my primary songs so I love re-learning them all again!

So I just want to share my first day as the Sunbeams teacher. I am going to change the kids names however since they are not my children and do not want any upset parents or anything. On the class list we have six kids, but so far only three little girls have come- Amy, Carlie, and Kylie (haha can you tell they are made up names? hee-hee).

I walk into primary that day and sit in my chair next to Amy. I learned Amy's name really quickly. You could tell that it was probably nap time because at one point all three of them were laying down across the chairs. The biggest struggle in the primary room is getting them to stay seated upright in their chairs, and facing forward. I turned my back for two seconds and when I looked around Amy was two rows behind me sitting with the big kids. Luckily the other teachers helped me reign Amy in. Other than that though, they did awesome.

And then we go to our classroom. And Kylie had a complete sobbing meltdown. She opened the door and bolted out so I had to chase her down the hall, but she got to her Daddy before I could catch up to her so he came and sat with her in our class for a few minutes. While we were doing the Plan of Salvation puzzle he slipped out. When she finally noticed that he was gone she said, "This was my Daddy's chair. He was in here because I was crying. I was crying because I was scared of you. (referring to Justin.) But I don't know why I was scared of you, you seem like a nice boy." hahaha from the mouth of babes.

Carlie is the sweet, tender-hearted one of the group. The instant we got to our classroom for the first time she ran up to Justin, threw her arms around him, and said, "I am so happy you are my teacher! My name is Carlie!" and then went and sat down politely. I think Justin melted a little- she is going to have him wrapped around her little finger haha. Amy fights with Carlie. Carlie doesn't fight back. She goes in the corner and is sad. Kylie sticks up for Carlie. Kylie sticks up for Amy. Kylie is the buffer between Carlie and Amy. (Isn't that how it usually is with all girl relationships??)

It is already interesting to be with these young, precious souls. Each one has such a different personality. Amy is brave and talkative and likes to play and have fun. Kylie is reserved and takes a while to come out of her shell, but when she does, she is also very talkative and friendly. Carlie is shy and relaxed. She goes with the flow but also has big emotions. She is so sweet and kind. They already know so much about the gospel and have such sweet spirits about them. It's a challenge to help them grow and learn in the church at such a young age, but their minds are like sponges and they just sit and take it all in. I hope I will be a good teacher for them, but if I can't teach them anything, I hope they can at least feel the spirit with us and know how special they are in Heavenly Father's eyes. We got some really amazing little people in our class and I am really excited for this year. It's going to be challenging, rewarding, funny, tiring, uplifting, and a great blessing for us I think.

EFY Medley

I went to EFY at Brigham Young University twice, when I was 14 and 15 years old. In case you have never heard of it,  EFY stands for Especially For Youth and it is week long LDS camp for youth that takes place in the summer. While you are there you get to hear lectures from amazing people like John Bytheway and Sheri Dew. You meet thousands of youth of the church and share in wonderful spiritual experiences. You also have a ton of fun and do crazy things outside of your comfort zone that you never thought you would. You also are assigned to a family with a female leader and a male leader that are usually college students. They are like your mom and dad on the journey and then you have a group of 20 or so guys and girls your same age that literally become like family over the  course of a week. It is really weird how it happens, but it really does happen. At the end of this utterly magnificent week you go on pretend missions and they split up your family. The guys are cut off from the girls and you really start to miss each other that day. Then for the final devotional that night everyone meets up and you sing The EFY Medley. 

This is by far one of the most spiritual experiences I have ever had in my life. I saw this video circulating Facebook tonight and all of those memories from more than ten years ago came rushing back. To this day this song fills me with joy and brings peace to my soul. I can't help but tear up at its beauty and simple message. It tells of  youth unifying together to come unto Christ. There is a certain undeniable power in the words. If you have never had the chance to sing this song in a room full of thousands of your peers, I pray that one day you will get that chance, there really is nothing quite like it. 

To find out more about what I believe please visit lds.org

A Splendind Weekend!

For Justin's birthday, clear back in April, I bought him tickets to see Blake Shelton's "Ten Times Crazier Tour' at the Usanna Amphitheater in Salt Lake City. The concert was this last Friday, and oh my! It was a total blast! Before the concert we had dinner at Red Robin.... yummmm. Love that place. We had great service and great food. I had never been to a concert like that before and I honestly had no idea how many people were going to be there, especially crazy drunk people! We really did have a riot. By some weird luck though we kind of ended up surrounded by old people! And you know old people, always good for a story!

The older couple sitting in front of us, I would say probably in their seventies, were hilarious. They were just dancing and rocking out to every song. And during the first love song, the old guy reaches around and pinches his wife's bottom. Justin and I were dying, it was pretty funny. Gotta keep that romance alive right? It was pretty cute- I hope me and Justin are still that "hot" for each other when we are that old haha.

The couple sitting next to us (late sixties I'd guess) were not as fun however. The guy definitely had a potty mouth and he was most definitely NOT a fan of this type of concert. He was very, and I mean VERY upset that he "paid for a GD seat so that I could F-bomb sit in it! That's why I am not on the D grass! Why the H is everyone standing up? Why pay for a GD seat if your not going to GD sit in it?!" It was colorful to say the least. After complaining to everyone around him, and asking the people in front of him to sit down (which didn't last long because then they couldn't see) he and his wife left. I felt bad that it was wasted money and wasted seats, but honestly, what did you expect at a concert of this sort?

Anywho... back to the concert. It was AMAZING! Neil McCoy and The Band Perry were the opening acts for Blake and they were awesome. I fell in love with TBP! They really know how to rock it and they are adorable and funny and I would definitely love to see them in concert again! Blake Shelton was everything you would expect Blake Shelton to be. He called Adam Levine a douche, talked about boobies, embarrassed a young couple on screen, and was of course drinking the entire time. In other words, he was frickin' hilarious! I was surprised at how many older songs he sang, and was even more surprised that I knew all of them. It did rain on us for a while but fortunately it was bearable and didn't last too long. Unfortunately I didn't plan very well and forgot a camera and wasted my phone's battery with GPS. We did manage to get a couple of pictures before our phones died but they aren't the greatest quality.

After the concert we kind of chilled in the parking lot for an hour to let some of the traffic die down. There were people partying and drinking it up in the cars all around us and two cars down a guy dropped his pants right then and there and relieved himself. He was shocked to find the car next to him full of girls and somehow managed to apologize profusely for exposing himself at the same time as shamelessly flirting with them. It was an incredibly awkward and hilarious situation to watch. We finally got out of there and didn't get back to our hotel until after one in the morning. 

So Justin's birthday was the concert and for my birthday we decided to make a weekend of it and get a hotel in SLC and spend the next day in the city. On Saturday morning we slept in, packed up, and hit up Denny's for breakfast. I had heard about a church history display going on at the Church History Library, so we decided to check that out. WOW! I don't really consider myself a history buff, but I really do love church history, so I found this display completely incredible! Some of the things on display are:

Joseph Smith's personal journal

A first edition of the Book of Mormon

A page from the Book of Mormon manuscript that was hand written by Oliver Cowdery

Wilford Woodruff's journal

Handwritten notes from the Relief Society's first meeting

Handwritten notes from the Primary's first meeting

A letter Joseph Smith wrote from Liberty Jail

A first edition of the Hymn book

And lots more!

It was incredible to see these items close up. They are of course in a display case but seeing them like that made it all so real for me. Joseph Smith is probably my very favorite prophet and I love learning about him and about the lives of the early saints. This was such an incredible display and you can feel the spirit so strongly being so close to these things. I would highly encourage everyone to go and check it out, but I think the display closes in October sometime so you gotta hurry!

After the Church History Library we made our way to Famous Footwear (did you know the one in Logan closed?) and the whole family got new shoes. I had to exchange some shoes I got for my birthday. Justin needed new work shoes, and Leland needed new church shoes. Shoe shopping is fun isn't it? I HATE shopping for clothes but I LOVE shopping for shoes. Shoes is definitely my favorite accessory which is weird because usually you can find me in flip flops.... weird... I know. Anyway, after our shoe shopping extravaganza we headed to my aunt's house to pick up Leland (thanks for taking such good care of him guys, he had a blast and was definitely spoiled!). We stopped in at my parents house and they ordered pizza and we ended up watching Dirty Dancing with my mom. After the movie we headed back to Cache Valley.... awwww. Home. 

So on Monday we went apple picking with my MIL and FIL. I feel deprived that I have never done this before. I thought it was going to be boring work but we actually ended up having a lot of fun. Leleand LOVED "helping" us. He loved the dirt and sticks and the throwing of the apples. We got caught in the rain but it presented us with a double rainbow which was utterly stunning. We picked a LOT of apples and then went home and got hamburgers and watched DWTS. 

It was a grand sort of weekend really. Concert, church history, new shoes, family, food, and apple picking. Life is pretty good. 

Hardships and Blessings

Tough week.

On Sunday Leland was playing with our dog Zorro and I guess he pulled his fur too hard because Zorro bit Leland on the forehead. The bite drew blood and left a hole in my babies head. To say that I was super pissed at my dog is a HUGE understatement. I went all 'crazy momma' on him cause "aint no body no where gonna hurt my babes!".  I had to make a really, really, hard decision after that- Zorro had to go. I can't have that risk in my home, I just can't. Leland's home should always be a safe place for him to be. So even though it broke my heart into literally a million pieces, I put Zorro up for adoption on some internet classifieds. Within five minutes of the ad going up I got a response from a lady who lives in Preston. She told me that they were on their way to see Zorro- within the hour he was gone.

And I cried. A lot.

Even as I write this blog post tears are filling my eyes. That was honestly one of the hardest things that I have ever had to do. I loved my dog. He was my constant companion and I already feel this huge void in the house from his absence. Today my door bell rang and barking did not follow. Weird. There is no jingling of a collar. No little bum wagging its tail. No furry friend in my bed at night. I walk in the door and there is no happy little guy there to greet me. I didn't realize how much he was a part of my life, my every day routine, until he was gone. My house is a lot quieter. I don't really like it. It is definitely a hard pill to swallow. I miss my pups- he was part of the family.

And just because it was the right thing to do, doesn't make it any easier. Bleh. It just really, really sucked.

So anyway, I need to end this blog on a happy note. We have had people asking us how we are doing financially since we dropped down to one income. Justin and I have had lengthy conversations over the last few weeks about finances. Want to hear something crazy cool?! We are making it! Granted, money is tight and we aren't being frivolous whatsoever, but miraculously, we are surviving. I felt God's hand in our lives so much lately. We haven't always been faithful tithe payers, I hate to admit that, but its true. So when I left my job I made it a point to pay tithing the Sunday after every paycheck. I haven't missed it once and oh boy the blessings are rolling in! Tithing guys! It's awesome!! One night Justin said to me, "I don't understand how we are making it, Kristi. I really don't. I've done the math, our bills are more than my paychecks, but somehow, all of our bills are getting paid! How is that even possible?" I'll tell you how---- TITHING! Logically our financial situation doesn't make sense whatsoever- it just doesn't add up- but I knew God wanted me home and He blessed me for it. Sometimes I am appalled at my lack of faith when I realize that God has ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS taken care of me and given me what I needed. And we even found two gift cards to restaurants when we were deep cleaning- I guess they were Christmas presents that we forgot about? - so we even got to go on two dates- which I was worried we wouldn't be able to afford anymore. I mean, wow right?

And lastly, my friend posted a 100 happy days challenge on facebook that I really want to do and finish. You take a picture of something that makes you happy every single day for 100 days. I think it is a great idea and so invite you to do it with me! Here's the challenge if you want to learn a little more about it. 100happydays.com

We have ourselves a missionary in the family

My baby brother got his mission call today. Yay! He was called to the Brazil Curitiba Mission and leaves for the Brazil MTC on October 22. I am so proud of Brother for choosing to serve, even though I am going to miss him like crazy!! Congrats Zach. I am super happy for you.

Life is full of surprises

For the past two weeks bitter sweet feelings have been devouring my soul. You see, I am no longer working at the library, you know, that job I had that I mostly loved. I have so many mixed emotions about this change in my life. Things were definitely going downhill at work and I was missing so much of my son's life working there that it began to be a struggle to go to work everyday. I do miss my job. I miss some of my coworkers terribly. I miss having a life outside of the home.

But....

Oh how I love staying home too. I always said I would never be a stay at home mom but oh my goodness these last two weeks I feel like I have fallen in love with my kiddo all over again. The days I worked I was only able to see him three or four hours a day. Now I spend the entire day with him and already our relationship has grown. He may only be nine months old but I know for a fact that he loves his mommy and he loves when she is home with him!

But...

There were days I struggled too. Like on Monday when I didn't get out of my pajamas all day, because really, what was the point? Or last week when his top teeth were popping through and I wondered who exchanged my angel baby for a little monster. And how all of a sudden I go to bed every night more exhausted physically and emotionally than any day I worked at the library.

But... (are you sick of my buts yet?)
......
However...

My kitchen has never been cleaner. I have time for cleaning, laundry, yard work, walks, fetch with Zorro, and so many other things that I never really made a priority to fit into my hectic schedule as a working mom. I am so pumped that I get to go on all my mini vacations with my family this summer and don't have to pick and choose because I don't have enough vacation hours saved up. I don't have to plan family time around my days off. I have seen my mom more in the last two weeks than I had in the last two months. I am now faced with so much freedom! It's completely liberating.

Financially though, we are still trying to work things out and see if we can even afford this one income thing. I have been thinking that maybe even a part time job would be okay, one where I only have to work four hours a day. Ideally I would love a work from home type job, but really, who knows. My future is pretty uncertain right now - you can add that tally mark to the con side of my ongoing list of pros and cons of working vs. staying at home. I am not a big fan of uncertainty, but I can guarantee that this new stage of life came from God and is a lesson in faith to trust Him in all things. I am both grateful and scared for this test of faith. Already it has brought me closer to my Heavenly Father so when it's all over I am 100% sure that I will be completely grateful for this test.

It's My Pity Party and I'll Cry if I Want To

For the last little while I have been having one big fat pity party for myself.  From a paralyzed face, a concussion, getting a new car, having that car break within a week, a broken oven, broken washing machine, etc. it has been a rough couple of months in the Palmer home. We also have some family members that are going through especially difficult trials, so add all of that up and throw the holidays in the mix and you get one stressed out, tired, and overwhelmed girl. I don’t know what was wrong with me, but I never, not once felt the Christmas spirit this year. It’s probably because I was so self-involved and Christmas time is supposed to be a time of charity. Bottom line, the holidays kind of sucked…. Big time.

This last weekend I decided I needed a break from my life so I ran away to my parent’s home. It was a really nice little get away and definitely cured my ‘holiday homesickness’ that I had been feeling. Is it weird that I am 26 years old, have been away from home for eight years, and still get homesick? Anyway, on Sunday I went to my home ward for church and it was a completely different experience than I have ever had in my own ward. This is the ward that I grew up in. Most of the people there have known me since I was three years old, so I had tons of people come up to me, take a peek at Leland, tell me it was good to see me, ask how I was doing, etc. etc. etc. I felt welcomed and loved and it was so nice to have people in church actually know who I was and call me by name. Because I was feeling so welcomed and so happy I was able to feel the spirit so strongly. I haven’t been to church in…. a long time. Like a really long time. I feel ashamed writing that, but I have really struggled spiritually lately. Every Sunday morning I come up with a million and one reasons of why I shouldn’t go to church that day. But this last Sunday made me realize two things. #1. Having friends at church makes a huge difference. I think part of the reason that I struggle with my church attendance is that when I go to my ward no one talks to me. I feel like no one knows me there, and they don’t really care to. I sit all by myself in Relief Society counting down the minutes until Justin joins me for Sunday School. I feel so lonely and it is a terrible feeling to have at church. #2. I didn’t realize that I was starving my spirit by not going to church. I have been ornery and cranky and so selfish lately, and I think it is mostly due to the lack of spirituality in my life. My soul hungers for the gospel and I was denying it, literally starving it to death. I didn’t realize how much I missed church until I went back and my soul sighed with relief from the spiritual nourishment that it had received.

So this year my main goal, or New Year’s resolution if you will, is to feed my spiritual side. Because I miss church. I miss reading my scriptures. I miss praying. And I miss having gospel conversations with people. When people ask me to go to the temple with them I want to be ready to go and not have to hang my head in shame that I don’t have a current temple recommend. I have gone through spiritual ups and downs  before, and they always mark some of the darkest days of my life. You would think I would learn my lesson by now but I just don’t. Pride circle remember?

I am excited for 2013 to be over. It was a hard year for me, largely in part because I was pregnant for more than half of it, but also because we had some pretty hard trials come our way.  I like fresh starts. I look forward to the things that 2014 will bring. It’s exciting, this being able to start over thing and gaining a desire to do better, be better. 

My Statement about Phil Robertson and Gay Rights

Thanks to Phil Robertson the issue of gay rights has once again spread itself all over the media and social networks. Phil’s name seems to be on everyone’s lips these days with everyone debating back and forth. In this blog post I would like to share my thoughts on the world’s reaction to Phil’s interview and to also, finally, share my belief about gay rights.

First I would like to state that Phil’s suspension is completely ridiculous. I do not believe that this is a gay rights issue whatsoever, but a freedom of speech one. It is completely unfair that someone asked what Phil’s personal beliefs are on an issue, and then attack him for his answer. If you don’t want to hear his truthful answer, don’t ask him the question in the first place. Secondly, the show Duck Dynasty is a reality TV show, which means it explores the beliefs and lifestyle of the Robertson family. They should not have to adjust their beliefs or lie to the media about them to appease the world. I for one am disappointed in the A&E network for not standing behind Phil and his right to express himself freely. And thirdly, Phil was not trying to force his beliefs on anyone. He was asked a question and he answered it honestly. He did not attack the LGBT community- he just stated his opinion. Phil Robertson said, "I myself am a product of the 60s; I centered my life around sex, drugs and rock and roll until I hit rock bottom and accepted Jesus as my Savior," he said. "My mission today is to go forth and tell people about why I follow Christ and also what the Bible teaches, and part of that teaching is that women and men are meant to be together."However, I would never treat anyone with disrespect just because they are different from me. We are all created by the Almighty and like Him, I love all of humanity. We would all be better off if we loved God and loved each other."

Phil stated that he would never treat anyone with disrespect because they are different from him. Doesn’t he deserve the same treatment in return? Doesn’t he have a right to believe what he wants? Because I sure as heck think so.

Next I would like to tell you what I believe about gay marriage, but to do so, I need to tell you a little about my religion and what we believe. You see, I believe that before we came to this Earth we all lived together in a pre-mortal life. While we were there, there was a great debate about how this world should be run. Two plans were presented to our Heavenly Father, one by Jesus Christ and the other by Satan. Satan wanted us to come to Earth and be forced to choose the right. Sin would not exist and so all of us would be saved. Jesus Christ’s plan was completely different. We would come to Earth and we could either choose to follow good or evil. Heavenly Father didn’t choose what plan He liked best, instead, He let His children choose for themselves. 1/3 of the people decided to follow Satan, the others decided to follow Jesus Christ. Majority ruled and Jesus Christ’s plan is how we run things on this Earth today. We had the right to choose for ourselves, clear back from the time when Adam and Eve were in the Garden of Eden when they had to choose to eat the forbidden fruit.

You may now be asking yourself what that story has to do with gay rights, am I right? Well folks, here it is. It is a little something that I like to call AGENCY. We have the God given right to choose for ourselves what we do with our lives and what we believe in. This includes choosing who we love and who we marry. Now, God may have the right to tell someone who they can love and marry, but I myself, being an insignificant human being, do not. I may believe that marriage is between a man and a woman, ordained of God, but I would NEVER force that belief on anyone else, or think less of them for believing differently than I do. I would NEVER bully, harass, or judge someone who is gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgender. And I for one think that there is too much of that going around these days. I do believe in the commandment to love one another and I do believe, no, I KNOW that God loves EVERY SINGLE ONE of his children. The suicide rate among LGBT teenagers is shocking. It breaks my heart. It needs to stop. It is something that I feel very strongly about. So to sum things up: I am a Mormon. I believe in the Family, a Proclamation to the World. I believe that the LGBT community should be allowed to love and marry whoever they want to. I believe that the bullying needs to stop. And I KNOW that God loves you no matter what you believe.

Welcome to the world Leland

In case you haven’t heard the news, there is a new addition to the Palmer family. His name is Leland Justin Palmer and he was born on July 27 at 1:21 am. Leland weighed 8 pounds and 3 ounces and was 20 inches long. I was both happy and surprised that he came out weighing what he did for coming to this world a whole two weeks early. But he had absolutely no problems and is a super healthy little boy. Here is the quick version of his birth story:

On Friday July 26 I went in to my regular weekly doctor’s appointment. For the first time my whole pregnancy my blood pressure was high which meant that I had toxemia. My doctor had me go up to labor and delivery after my appointment to get a stress test done- which basically means that they monitor the babies heart rate and do a whole bunch of blood work on me. All of the labs came back great and Leland’s heart was perfect, but I did have a really bad headache that they were concerned about. I told them that I was hypoglycemic and that I might just be hungry. So they gave me a sandwich, crackers, and some Tylenol. If the headache went away in one hour than I was good to go home, if it didn’t they would most likely induce labor. Well as you can guess, the headache didn’t go away and so I was induced.

They put me on a magnesium IV to prevent seizures because of my toxemia that made me really sick. I threw up about eight times during labor, but other than that things were progressing really well and I was doing great. I was surprisingly tired and slept a ton while I was in labor. After the doctor broke my water my contractions got way worse and more frequent so it was time to order the epidural. The epidural doctor was a freaking idiot- worst bedside manners EVER- and he missed the first time hitting a blood vessel. Getting an epidural once is bad enough but having to do it twice is pure hell! Thank heavens for Justin- he is the only thing that kept me sane through that whole thing.

After the epidural was in I was feeling pretty happy about life. I couldn’t feel any of my contractions and went back to basically just sleeping and waking up every so often to vomit. Around 11:30 pm I was finally dilated to a 10 and at 12:30 I began pushing. So to sum things up I was in labor for about ten hours and only had to push for about 50 minutes. Everyone was kind of shocked that it went so fast for a first baby. I feel extremely lucky that it went so well!

July 26’th was my Grandma Paulsen’s birthday. I was kind of bummed that I didn’t have him on her birthday, but I honestly feel like that was a present from her. That entire day I just knew that she was in my corner cheering me on. I can’t even begin to describe how grateful I am for this precious little boy. He has turned our world upside down and I love him a little bit more every day. He is absolutely perfect. No really, he is! I know that he was a gift from God. The first time after his birth that Justin and I prayed together I made him say it because I knew there was no way I would be able to get through that prayer. As I listened to my husband thank our Heavenly Father for this amazing baby tears just poured down my cheeks. My heart is so full. Sometimes when I am feeding him in the middle of the night I sing primary songs to him. Last night I  was singing ‘A Child’s Prayer’ to him and when I got to the lines “You are his child. His love will surround you” I completely lost it and started bawling my eyes out. I literally could feel the love that Heavenly Father has for this little guy fill the room in that moment. I am completely grateful, and overwhelmed, that He would entrust him to me. I am just so, so blessed!! 

Outpouring of Thoughts from an Overwhelmed Brain

I was planning on writing this post on Sunday, but my thoughts were so jumbled this past weekend that it has taken me a few days to sort my brain out. It’s still a little jumbled up there so this post has a high potential of being total random ramblings. However, I know that if I don’t put pen to paper (figuratively speaking) soon that my brain may just burst. I’m sure fellow writers can relate. I just need to get all of these thoughts out. I’ve been thinking a lot about mothers, mostly about how I am going to be one in less than three months. THREE MONTHS! Ah!

This Mother’s Day was an especially emotional one for me (THANK YOU HORMONES!) In Relief Society on Sunday the lesson was on ‘Sacred Family Relationships’. I was surprised when a great portion of the lesson was spent on the commandment we have to “multiply and replenish the Earth”. You can imagine how that struck a chord with me as I am in the process of doing just that. The entire lesson my mind kept wandering to the day when there was the shooting in the elementary school. I was just a few weeks pregnant then and when I heard the news I was completely devastated. That was the first day that I actually felt like a mom. My heart was breaking for those mothers who had just lost their precious angels. But more than that, the question of “What kind of world am I bringing my child into?!” kept popping into my head. Sometimes it scares the hell out of me to think what kind of world my son will be living in. It seems to get worse every day. What kind of world do we live in that someone would go murder children in an elementary school in Connecticut? Or shoot up a movie theater in Colorado? Or bomb a marathon in Boston? The day of the elementary shooting I cried and cried to my mom. I told her how I was scared to bring a child into this messed up world. And she gave me the best comfort ever. She told me that there are spirit children in heaven that are waiting to come to this earth to receive their bodies, and that that was basically the whole reason of why I was pregnant. Because my son needs a body, and if I didn’t give it to him someone else would. It seems like such a simple and obvious answer, but it comforted me so much. Anyway, this last Sunday I kept replaying that conversation with my mom in my head. Because after all, isn’t that WHY we have that commandment in the first place? Because the whole point of coming to Earth is to get a body, and there are still spirits who are waiting.

This past year I have had friends who have lost children, had miscarriages, or their babies just came too early. Every single time something like that happens, I feel like a mom. My heart breaks right along with theirs. I am reminded of what a blessing it is to have this little guy growing inside of me. I can’t believe how much I already love him. I lie on my couch and watch my tummy move up and down and just giggle with giddiness. I constantly worry for him. Not a prayer is spoken in our home without mentioning him. I just cannot wait to hold him in my arms and express all of this love. Motherhood is such a strange thing.

Speaking of strange things- let’s talk hormones. They might as well be called HORRORmones! Lately mine have been out of control. OUT. OF. CONTROL. I feel like I am walking on a tightrope, and anything, even just the slightest breeze, is about to push me over the edge. My emotions are always right there on the surface. If you know me, you know that I am probably the most emotional person in the entire universe. My emotions have a direct line to my tear ducts, so basically I cry all of the time. So being pregnant, and having those emotions even more intensified, well, it aint no picnic let me tell you what. My poor, poor husband deals with so much. There are times where I will just be sitting there and all of a sudden tears will just be falling down my face. Justin will ask me what’s wrong and all I can do is shrug and tell him that I have absolutely no idea. Then once the tears stop I am perfectly happy and laughing within minutes after the crying session. WEIRD. And this week I learned that I cannot handle it when Primary children sing to their mothers on Mother’s Day. As soon as the first notes were out of their cute little mouths tears were cascading down my face. It was super embarrassing and Justin just looks at me with an expression like, “I wish I could help you but I know it’s hopeless” kind of face. Grrrr. I hate crying but I REALLY hate crying in public!

I guess the last thing that has been on my mind lately is this quote I found on Pinterest.

 I could go on and on about why this has been on my mind, but I’ll keep it short and sweet and just say that it seems like there is a very clear line of who is on my side and who isn’t lately. There are people who are making the effort and there are people who aren’t. And let’s just say that I am very grateful for the rowers out there. I feel like I need them now more than ever during this time of my life when everything seems to be changing.