Sunday, March 19, 2017

Endings and New Beginnings

There is a tornado of emotions swirling within me right now. I am approaching my last two weeks of being pregnant and struggling with all of the feelings that accompany that. There is a very good chance that this is the last time in my life that I will ever be pregnant again, so there's that. Although I do not like being pregnant, I understand and am eternally grateful for how lucky I am to have the ability to be pregnant so easily without any complications or years and years of waiting for it to happen. I can definitely appreciate the miracle that growing and carrying a baby inside of you is. This baby girl of mine is a wiggle worm and I know in my heart that I am going to miss that feeling. To be able to feel something so precious is something too sacred to put into words. So yes, I am going to miss this. But there is also a feeling of excitement and anticipation to meet her. An anxiousness to finally have her in my arms and a real, tangible part of our family.

There is also this overwhelming feeling of guilt I feel for my first born. Being a second child myself, I am a little confused by this feeling, but it is there all the same. Will Leland be okay? I find myself asking this question at least a million times a day. Its been him and I for so long now, almost four years. We are best buddies. How will a second child change the dynamic between us? How much jealousy will he feel towards his baby sister when mom is having to give her so much of her time and energy? Will he digress? Will my relationship with my son change for the worse? Everyone tells me that it somehow just works. That your love as a mother is not divided, but multiplied. I pray they are right. I pray that Leland is strong enough to handle all of this change that is headed his way. It seems like a lot to ask of a three year old. I find myself lately craving to be near Leland, to soak up these last few precious moments I have alone with him. For some reason I am finding it very difficult to say goodbye to this time of our lives, but that only makes me feel guilty towards my second child. This mom guilt thing is a terrible feeling, like neither of my children can both win.

And there is that dreaded feeling of fear. A fear that is so overpowering it threatens to wash me away completely. The beast is coming. I know it is. I may have better tools to fight it this time, but it is coming nonetheless.  It is unavoidable, that beastly monster of depression that comes after birth. Postpartum depression is a foul, loathsome, demon that haunts me even before it has arrived. It nearly tore my marriage apart last time. What horrors will it have in store for me this time? There is nothing but dread in the pit of my stomach when I think about this. Can my family afford to have this creature of darkness enter our home? Are we strong enough?

Some how we will all make it through the next few months in one piece. There will be a day in the future when I come back to read this blog and laugh at myself for being such a worry wart and for not having more faith. At least, I have hope for that day anyway. I am nervous to have a newborn again. I am anxious thinking about the long nights with no sleep. I worry about my son. I am scared for postpartum depression. I am excited to meet this baby girl. I am slightly concerned about the medical bills headed our way. I am a million different emotions in one very tired and very pregnant body. So I sit at my computer in the middle of the night, too stressed out to sleep, and I type it all out. And somehow, I feel better.

Sunday, October 2, 2016

Ramblings of a Prego Lady

The decision to have another child was not an easy one for me. Okay, let me re-phrase that, the decision to get pregnant again was not an easy one for me. In my naive teenage years I always thought I would have four or five kids. And then the first one came and though he is mostly an angel, the entire experience was absolutely awful. He isn't awful. I was awful! When I was pregnant with Leland I lost over 60 pounds. I threw up every single day I was pregnant and every hour I was in labor. They told me that morning sickness would only last my first trimester- HA! First trimester my ass! Add the sickness to the raw emotions and mood swings and quite frankly, I was a beastly mess. After he came along the nausea and throwing up thankfully went away, but the mood swings did not. For the next year or two I was plagued with some of the darkest depression I have ever experienced. Those days marks the worst fights that Justin and I have ever had. I ruined friendships. Tested my family. I basically felt like I was drowning and I was taking everyone around me down with me.

However, I never wanted my son to be an only child. How boring would that be for him? Deciding to go through my living hell again, after finally feeling like I could breathe again, was hard. People kept asking me when I was going to give Leland a sibling, and time was ticking ever-onward, but I knew what was right for me. I didn't want my children to be farther apart in ages, I needed them to be. I needed time to let my body and mind heal. I needed to finally enjoy motherhood for a while before I entered the living hell again. And I knew that throwing up every day with a 3 year old would be much, much easier then with an 18 month old. I am so glad that I waited. Leland is much more independent these days and can be left alone for short periods of time. He isn't as needy and although I feel bad for letting his shows babysit him, it is wonderful that he can sit quietly for a while while mommy is on the bathroom floor.

This time around has definitely not been easy. But I feel like being more open about my struggles has helped a lot. I have more support. My mom and mother in law have been wonderful for taking Leland for a while and giving him a break from the barfing. I have friends and neighbors who offer to watch him on my really bad days. 12 weeks in and I am already down 20 pounds. I feel like I have entered that scary world of barely living on survival mode. I haven't been a good wife, mother, friend, daughter, sister, grand-daughter, etc. I hate that feeling of only doing what's absolutely necessary and not being able to do a whit more then that. I am frustrated. I am on two different prescriptions from my doctor, wearing sea-bands every day, and doing another number of home remedies for nausea, and still, nothing works. Being this sick for this long is both physically and emotionally draining.

I am also grateful. I feel so grateful for being able to feel Heavenly Father's awareness of me and my suffering. An example of this happened this week. On Monday I was not able to get a single piece of food down my throat without gagging. I was worried about what going so long without food or drink would do to my baby because it wasn't getting the nutrition it needed. That night I jumped on Facebook and asked my friends for advice. Not only did they offer advice, but they gave me consoling words and some of them even offered to pray for me. I was still discouraged, and hungry, but their kindness touched me deeply. The next morning I woke up and I knew instantly something had changed. I didn't feel sick. I didn't have the immediate urge to run to the toilet. I haven't had a morning like that since I got pregnant. That day I was not only able to get a meal down, but to keep it down. And for the first time, in a long time, I felt thirsty. It was a miracle. Maybe a small and simple miracle, but a miracle nonetheless. That day I could literally feel the prayers of others benefiting me and lifting me up. I have heard people say that they can feel other people's prayers for them, but I have never experienced it first hand. After such a long, hard few weeks, I really needed that win. All I really wanted was just one day, one good day to not feel sick, and I got it after one of my worst days. I think Heavenly Father knew I needed a break and He gave it to me. I feel nothing but gratitude.

I have had many small instances that buoy me up and give me the strength to carry on one more day through this misery. Watching Leland sleep. A good belly-laugh with my friend. A date with my husband. Being inspired by General Conference. They are all such small things but each one gives me the strength to go on.  One of the biggest miracles was when I had my first ultra sound. I was able to witness my small jelly bean jumping and dancing and wiggling and I don't think anything is more miraculous then that. I have life inside of me and that is amazing. I know this suffering will be a blink in time and in April I will be holding one of God's most miraculous little miracles in my arms and I'll think, "Well, that wasn't really so bad was it?" And who knows, maybe in a few years I will be stupid enough to sign up for this all over again. All I can say is, thank heavens these precious angels are worth it!

Sunday, September 18, 2016


This month I have been celebrating me. Is that narcissistic? I don't think it really counts if its your birthday month. I have had a few people ask me how I feel about entering my last year of my twenties. It has made me reflect on my twenties, and honestly, I am not sad to see them go. While thirty does seem a tad too far on the adult side for my taste, I am perfectly fine with being twenty-nine. I used to hate birthdays, and I still do hate parts of birthdays, but for the most part, I enjoy them. I think birthdays are far better when you feel like you are settled in life, do you know what I mean? Like, I suppose I would feel completely different if I was 29 years old and living in my parent's basement playing video games all day, having accomplished nothing in my life. But I haven't wasted my twenties. I went to a few years of college. I made some amazing, lifelong friends. I got married. I had a kid. We bought a house. I work. Life is grand, really. And I am excited to see what the next chapter of my life looks like.

This year I think I celebrated my birthday for two weeks long. In fact, I am not even done celebrating as we haven't gotten the chance to have a Palmer family dinner yet. My wonderful, amazing mother took me and Leland for a three day excursion to Mesquite. My grandparents live just ten minutes away so they were kind enough to watch the kiddo so my mom and I could go to two productions at the Tuacahn, the most amazing outdoor theater in the world. This year we saw Peter Pan and the Hunchback of Notre Dame. They were both amazing, completely different, but absolutely spectacular. We also got to have a much needed pool day where my brave son went down the water slide all by himself and even swam in the pool without me holding him up- he just had on his wings. I love seeing him get braver and braver in the water, he is such a little fish! Anyway, it was a fast, but fun little get-away and much needed mommy and me time (and I am not talking about me and Leland haha.) A girl always needs her mom am I right?

For my birthday weekend Justin and I invited two families from our neighborhood to go to my parent's cabin in Bear Lake. We had never done anything with other families before, I felt like it was a big stepping stone into adulthood for us. We had so much fun playing games, watching movies, going to the beach, and riding four-wheelers. It was especially fun because each family has a son around Leland's age and the boys got along fantastically. My mom always told me that my friends would be my kid's friends parents- she was right- like always. I am glad that we found them and that we all get along so well. Hopefully we can do more with them in the future.

Remember that part that I hate on my birthdays? Well, that part is Facebook. I hate Facebook on my birthday. Hopefully I am not alone in feeling this way. I feel kind of selfish for even saying anything, but honestly, its the worst! The worst I tell you! For one day of the year I have friends and family coming out of the wood works to wish me a happy birthday. And all I can think about is where in the hell are all of you the other 364 days of the year??? Does anyone else feel like this? I definitely have a love/hate relationship with social media. I love that I can keep up with my far away family who lives in Florida, Oregon, Michigan, etc. But I also hate the flat relationships that social media can create. Actions speak louder then words after all, so all of the empty words that fill my news feed once a year leave me feeling empty inside. If you want me to know that you love me, show me. Call me. Go to lunch with me. Anything but write on my news feed once a year. I seriously hate that. I hate social media fake friendships. However, they definitely make me grateful for my REAL friends. The ones who show up and speak up. I am very lucky to have those friends in my life! Okay, enough of that whining. For the most part Facebook can be a good thing.... just not on September 2 haha.

To all of you that made my birthday wonderul this year, thank you. I love you all. I even love the ones who I only hear from once a year, but let's change that this year, shall we? :) As for pictures, I am far too lazy for that... go look at Facebook. ;)

Wednesday, August 17, 2016


This blog post is a little late, but.... THREE! My baby boy is THREE!! How did this happen? Time really does go so quickly when you have kids. You blink and all of a sudden they are little people walking and talking with their own personalities. And boy, does my kiddo have quite the personality! Be prepared for a super long post because when it comes to Leland, I can talk and talk all day long!

Leland Justin Palmer at age three:
-Like most boys his age, he loves anything with wheels, and makes noises to match every vehicle in his extensive collection of toys. He once told me to make the sound of his motorcycle, then looked at me exasperated, explaining that that was the noise of a monster truck, and not a motorcycle. Geez, Mom!

-Leland loves books. We read books twice a day, before his nap time and before bedtime. I always have to cut him off and he always asks for more. I am curious to see how many books he would let me read to him before getting bored though.. I may need to test this theory. My hypothesis is that he would eventually just fall asleep instead of getting bored.

-My son is O.C.D. Really. I have come across his toys on several occasions lined up perfectly, and sometimes even according to their size. When he lines up his monster trucks the wheels are exactly matching. I moved one back just a hair to see if he would notice once, and he did. He also has to have "B" (his blanket) a certain way on his pillow. B has to be covering his pillow and the animals have to be facing a certain direction- if I do it wrong he will fix it.

-Leland's favorite foods are the normal things, but his obsessions are cherry tomatoes out of the garden, Grandma Palmer's mini banana muffins, raspberries, and pickles.

-He has a very extensive vocabulary. Add that to his height, and no one can guess his age correctly. In fact, I have noticed other mothers at the park judging me for having my "four year old" in diapers still... and this was back when he was two. Someone in our ward came up to us a few weeks ago and asked if he was starting kindergarten this year.

-Leland is smart. Not only does he use big words, but he knows his colors, shapes (including shapes like pentagon and octagon), numbers, counting, alphabet, and has dozens upon dozens of songs memorized and can sing them perfectly. Maybe I am biased on that one though. I don't know what is normal for three year olds seeing as he is my first one haha.

- He is one of the most polite kids I know. He says, please, thank you, and excuse me frequently. I have been complimented on this on several occasions and am thrilled that I am raising such a kind and polite boy. He will even say excuse me when he farts or burps.. which is often!

-He is not potty-trained. I tried going diaper-less and it was the worst three days of both of our lives. He was emotional, ornery, and irritable and I knew that was his signal to me that he was not ready. I will not force him in this.

-Leland likes to be methodical. He thinks things through before acting. He studies out situations.

-He is thoughtful and emotional. Leland gets really sad when other people cry and will always try and comfort them. He has seen me cry on a handful of occasions and always gives me a big hug and tells me its going to be okay. He is kind and has a tender heart. He has very big emotions for such a little body and doesn't always know how to process them. He makes friends easily and loves his friends fiercely.

-His favorite places include both grandparent's homes, Jessica and Joeys apartment, Bear Lake and the cabin (obviously), parks, and the Bounce and Slide in Logan.

-His favorite shows right now are Bob the Builder, Daniel Tiger, Peppa Pig, Thomas, Diego, Winnie the Pooh, Paw Patrol, Little Einsteins, and of course, Blaze and the Monster Machines. (We don't have cable in our house so he has a basket full of DVD's that he can watch, and also, thank you Netflix!)

-And lastly, whenever you ask him what he wants to eat, his answer is almost always chocolate cake!

Friday, July 8, 2016

Topsy Turvy World

I live in a strange world.

A world that celebrates life on Mars,
but destroys life in the womb.

A world that values a gorillas life
over a small boys.

I live in a world where we give money
to the lazy
but ignore our vets, refugees, 
and poor.

If I believe officer's lives matter,
then black peoples don't.

Instead of creating a third bathroom,
we open the doors for all to enter.

I live in a world where celebrities,
and felons,
can run for office.

If you don't do parenting my way,
you are doing it wrong!

A world where "medical use"
is undervalued to "prescription use".
Though both can help and hurt equally.

I live in a world where "Christian"
means bigot.
And don't even get me started on
"those damn Mormons".

When it comes to sex
everything goes:
Child Molestation
One night stands
It's there, but lets not talk of uncomfortable things.
Instead, let's portray sex in our media
as fun, meaningless, and carefree.

While we are at it
lets put violence in our video games
and then wonder why in the hell
people kill people.

Let's worry about things like
bathrooms, gorillas, and parent shaming
while there our shootings, hunger,
and terrorists.

Common sense, kindness, human decency
are things of the past.

Let's take a selfie.

Sunday, June 19, 2016

Precious Moments

One thing about me that you will learn quickly is that I don't really have secrets. I am an open book and I like it that way. I have been accused of over-sharing and airing out my dirty laundry for the entire internet world to see, but guess what? I don't care. Ask me a question and I will answer. I prefer honesty and real life. I like the behind the scenes more than the portrayal of perfection. So, that being said, I have recently been changing up my prescriptions a bit. This means that for the last two weeks I have entered beast mode. As most of you know I have depression, and if you didn't know, you do now. Changing medications is such a terrifying thing for me. I have had meds that have made me so suicidal that it scared the living daylights out of me! I have never been that close to death and I hope to never be so again. These last two weeks as I adjusted with the new, I have not been myself... or scary thought... maybe I was myself... ugh... I hope that's not who I am haha. I was so impatient. Angry. Irritable. I was having the worst anxiety attacks. One morning at breakfast Leland was rubbing his foot up and down my leg and I thought I was going to jump out of the window. Bottom line: It has not been a fun couple of weeks for anyone in my house.

Then this weekend happened. The clouds parted and the sun came out and glory hallelujah I feel like myself again! Today as we were driving to my in-laws, a mere five blocks away from our house, Leland passed out in the back seat. He had had a busy weekend and the poor little stink was tuckered out. I sat in the car so that he could take a little snooze because I didn't want to wake him up trying to get him out of his car seat. When he woke up though, he woke up grumpy. He was pretty upset and crying for me. I got "B" and held him in my arms, stroked his hair, kissed his cheeks, and was overcome with the love that I have for my little person. He snuggled right in to me and let me hold him longer then he has done in a long time. I soaked up every single second of that snuggle, completely cherishing this precious moment I had with my baby. I was so grateful that I felt like myself again to appreciate it fully. Beast me would have been irritated at the crying and fussiness. It was such a blessing.

Then tonight I told Leland that he could watch ten minutes of monster trucks on youtube before bedtime. I went and laid in my bed to rest my back and play on my phone. In a few moments however, Leland climbed into my bed, snuggled up against me, and started singing me his songs and telling me his made up stories. Then it was my turn to tell him some stories so I told him Goldilocks and the Three Bears, The Three Little Pigs, and Jack and the Beanstalk. He started telling me stories again mixing up all three of those stories into one grand adventure. I thought the line, "And then Jack showed his mom jelly beans and she got mad and threw them out the window and yelled 'We can't have more candy! We need real food!" was especially funny.  I laughed and I laughed at this wonderful boy's imagination and intellect. His bedtime came and went and still we laughed, told stories, sang songs, and cuddled. It was the perfect moment.

As I lay my perfect boy in his bed tonight our conversation went like this:
Me: I love you so much, Leland.
Leland: I love you so much too, Mommy.
Me: You're my best friend.
Leland: You're my best friend too mommy. And best friends should be together forever and ever.

This kid of mine. He fills my heart with joy. I am so grateful for modern day medicine that gives me the opportunity to feast upon these moments, to really dig into them and treasure them. I know without a shadow of a doubt that I am going to miss this age. I am trying to soak it all in. While I love watching him grow and learn new things, I am also shouting for time to slow down and for him to stay my baby forever. It's all a whirlwind that is going too fast.

In this moment, right now, I love being "Mommy". The beast is going to rear its ugly head again, you can count on it. I will fight it again and again and again. I will be victorious. I will fight for my son because he deserves to have the kind of mommy I was today. Today was a good mommy day. Tomorrow may be an entirely different story. Life is funny like that.

Wednesday, June 8, 2016


Justin and I have the same conversation every year during tax season. Do we do something responsible with our tax return or do we throw the whole adulting thing out of the window and have some fun? We usually decide to be irresponsible and go on a family vacation. During that yearly conversation I always have to remind him that Leland is going to remember the vacation over if the bills are all paid... it's how I win. After all, I have no idea whatsoever if my parents were out of debt when I was growing up. But you can bet your bonnet that I remember every single vacation we went on. Life is about choices after all, and sometimes, you just gotta choose family!

This year we decided to do Disney Land. It was the perfect timing for three reasons 1) Leland is still two which means he is still free for everything. 2) This year if you went in May adults were kid prices and 3) This **MAY** be the last summer-ish (we are hoping) that it's just going to be the three of us. (I don't necessarily like the idea of packing a baby around Disney and didn't want to have to wait another 3+ years to go.) (NO, NO! NOT pregnant.... just thinking... just thinking)


Our tax return ended up being almost double what we thought it would be, so we did end up compromising and split it in half. Which meant we went pretty cheap- but still so much fun! The first thing I found a great deal on was flights! Obviously the weekends were way too expensive so we ended up finding super cheap flights if we went from Sunday to Thursday. I found our flights on and they ended up being about $160 per person for round trip. I also saved us $100 by not taking any check in luggage, but packed us all up in carry-ons. Next, we booked our hotel through and found a package deal that included hotel and park hopper tickets. Score! And lastly, we discovered Uber- the cheapest way to get around California by far! It was also really nice because our hotel had a shuttle to the parks that ran every 20 minutes. So there you have it- money saving tips from yours truly! The rest of the trip we only spent money on food and some souvenirs for little man. 

So like I said before, we left super early Sunday morning. (Flights are also more expensive if you want flights in normal waking hours, especially mid-morning.) When we got to Cali it was still too early to check into our hotel so we dropped off our luggage at the front desk and then headed to Huntington Beach. Since we didn't rent a car we had to haul Leland's car seat around with us when we used Uber. Fortunately there was a super sweet lady at the information booth at the beach that offered to hang on to his car seat while we explored the beach. It was awesome of her. That thing would have been such a pain to lug around! We bought Leland a cheap shovel and bucket and then just sat our bums in the sand and watched the waves, surfers, people, and built sand castles. I mentioned to Justin that I truly believe that it is a spiritual experience watching the ocean, and just plain good for your soul. I love the ocean. I love the beach. I was in pure heaven. We also got some lunch on the beach and it was so fun to people watch and listen to the live bands that were playing there. I think I could spend an entire week just at the beaches of California. 

The next three days we did Disneyland and California Adventure every day. I was really worried that Leland wouldn't have any fun and it would be just one big trip of melt-downs. Lately he has started this fear thing where he is scared, or pretends to be, of everything. But the kid did awesome! I was especially nervous in line for the roller coaster that he insisted going on. It's the one in Toon Town, so not exactly big, but still, he is only 2. I didn't need to worry though- he was belly laughing the entire time and insisted we go on it again. The first day we did have some melt-downs when it was time to get off the ride. I had to literally drag him off kicking and screaming. Eventually he got the idea of it all and realized that after this ride would come another and another, and it eventually got easier and easier to get him off. (Well, except for the race cars that is... hahaha I was laughing so hard at the fit he was throwing on that one!) The only time he ever got scared was during the Bug's Life 3D movie. It totally freaked him out when the air and water shot out at him- we had to exit the theater real quick in that one. He kind of got nervous in the Tiki Room when the storm started too, but he sat on my lap and continued to eat his Dole Whip and all was well. 

Can I just say, going to Disney with a kid is like a bazillion times more fun then going by yourself?! I LOVE Disney through the eyes of my boy! It is the absolute best I tell you! Cars Land was of course the biggest hit, and we ended up back there on the last day. I have never done Disney so lazy before. Usually we get there when it opens and stay until it closes so that we can get our moneys worth. But this time we would sleep in, go back to the hotel in the middle of the day to get lunch and a nap in, and then go back at night. It was actually kind of perfect. We were not burned out by the third day and it was kind of fun to just sit back and relax and enjoy the moments. In three days we didn't even get to see everything though... but it was okay with me. Eventually your toddler is done with long lines and so you sit and eat a churro and life is grand. Everything was perfect. I could have probably stayed longer, and definitely could have had another beach day, but all in all, it was perfect. Cheers to good times and 'makin' memories!'

Sunday, February 28, 2016

Monster Trucks!

This last Friday my in-laws took us to see the monster truck show at the Maverick Center in SLC. Before the show we got to walk around the pit and look at the trucks. I bought Leland a checkered flag (which he thought was awesome) and we had some of the drivers sign it. Leland was in boy heaven!

Justin and I were looking forward to this all week. But... you know how you build things up in your head and then life with kids happens? Ha ha yup! We thought Leland would be over the moon to watch these trucks- he is constantly begging to watch monster trucks on youtube and almost always has a monster truck toy in his hand. So this was the perfect outing right? Wrong. The trucks must have been too loud, even though we did bring ear protection, because once the trucks started revving their engines Leland started bawling! Poor kid was scared to death.

So. I spent a good twenty minutes in the women's bathroom trying to console my screaming toddler. Luckily he loved the motorcycle jumpers and the smaller truck races- but we definitely will not be doing that again until he is older. We are still a little perplexed by it all because he has been to demolition derby's and the motor race way, which are both extremely loud, but something about that scared the pants off the poor little guy. Oh well. Live and learn I guess, right?

Lucky for us we got some great photos from the night. It was a family adventure, so worth it in the end. The really funny part was how he kept yelling, "That was so much fun!" on the way to the car! haha thank heavens kids are resilient and don't scar for life easily.