Everyone handles grief in their own way. Some people cry. Some people talk. And some people stay busy and try to avoid it. How do I handle grief? I write.
In my lifetime I have acquired many heroes. People I looked up to, people I respected and wanted to be like, and people who made a difference in my life. Saturday I lost one of my heroes, my Uncle Kevin. Uncle Kevin was added to my list of heroes at a very young age. When I was a very little girl, like maybe 2 or 3, I was camping with my whole extended family when I fell flat into the campfire. My Uncle Kevin jumped up and pulled me from the flames. I should have had third degree burns covering my body, but there wasn't a single burn on my skin. It was a miracle. Uncle Kevin's quick reaction saved my life. I wouldn't be here today if it wasn't for him. I owe him my life.
Ever since I heard the news on Saturday I have tried to grasp the reality that he is gone. It just doesn't seem real. Saturday I think I was in shock, I didn't even cry. But then on Sunday when I saw the grief that my family was experiencing it hit me like a ton of bricks. I keep playing the 'could of, should of, what if?' game. Did he know he was one of my heroes? I never told him. I should have. Did he know that I loved him? Does he know that I will miss him? Was there something more I could have done? He sent me a Christmas card this year, but I got so busy I didn't send him one back or even call him and thank him. And now its too late. Regret is entangled with grief and I am having a hard time processing it all. I wish I would have made more of an effort these last few years to keep in touch with him, but I didn't, and now I have to live with that. Friday is the funeral and boy is that going to be a hard day. My heart is breaking for his family but also, selfishly, it is hurting for me too. Uncle Kevin was a good uncle. The world somehow seems a little darker this week without him in it. Sometimes I don't think its fair that the world keeps turning and life goes on when someone we love passes away. Everything should stop for just a moment, take a pause, a break. Give us a chance to catch our breath and get a grip. But it doesn't happen that way. We are forced to keep moving forward because what else are we supposed to do?
It just.... hurts. And sucks. Sucks big time.
I love you Uncle Kevin. I will miss you. And hey, thanks for the Christmas Card. I was very touched that you would send me one. Goodbye.
1 comment:
Kristi, I think you are amazing at writing! I am so sorry to hear about your uncle. It is hard to loose someone. That is one of the two times I have seen Justin cry, is when his sister passed away. Love you so much, and I really would love to come see you and your baby!
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