Just Need to Share

Deciding to go on a mission is a hard thing. There are so many 'what if' questions. What if I miss my chance at marriage while I'm out? What if leaving school causes huge problems in the future? What if I don't know enough to teach? What if things get serious with the guy I'm dating? What if I just can't do this? What if? What if? What if?

I know that I'm supposed to go on a mission. I made my decision. I filled my papers out. It all feels right. When I finally told my family that I was filling out mission papers, they were beyond ecstatic. It was a very joyous experience. And then... Bam! Satan attacks! I have never felt Satan's influence so strongly in my life as I am right now. It's hard guys. And it sucks. And honestly, it's down right scary! I have so many doubts, fears, and anxieties. Please don't misunderstand me, I am so excited to go. I can't wait to leave! But it is a very big, very scary thing. I have been talking to my roommates and my mom a lot about my fears and doubts. And they have helped so much. Their words of comfort and great advice have gotten me through a lot in the past few weeks. But I still couldn't get rid of these horrible feelings. I kept wondering if I was doing the right thing.

Well, my mission prep institute class was amazing today. I feel like a thousand pounds have been lifted off my shoulders. At the start of class, after the song and prayer, everyone who has received a mission call gets up and bears their testimony and announces where they are going. I love this little ritual in the class. We had two people that got their calls this week, a girl and a guy. The guy gets up and says that he had three years of German in high school, so when he got his call to Germany it felt so right. He had such a strong testimony and I know he will make an amazing missionary. Then the girl gets up to announce where she is going. Before she tells us she says that right before she opened her call, her and her sister were talking about how they both would hate to go to some random state in the U.S. like Ohio. Guess where she is going? Ohio! But the cool thing is, is that she is called to work in the visitors center at the Kirtland Temple! How sweet is that?! So anyway, she said it was a very humbling experience but she is really excited. When she was telling this story my heart just kind of sank. You hear all the time that when missionaries say they don't want to go somewhere, sure enough, that's where they get called. I promised myself I wouldn't jinx myself, but I definitely did. I just have this horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach that I am going to get called to Utah. I know of four missionaries that lived in Utah, and got called to Utah! And for some reason, I have this huge fear that that is going to be me.

So anyway, when the girl sat down, my teacher asked if we had any questions about the gospel, missionary work, or life in general. People started asking questions and pretty soon we got into a discussion about mission fears. I don't even know how we got there, but you could tell that the whole class was holding its breath to be able to talk about this with each other. My inspired institute teacher pushed his planned lesson aside, and said, "Alright class. Let's hear your deepest darkest secret fears about going on a mission." Wow. This is just what I needed today! It was so amazing to realize that every single person in that room, girl and boy, had the exact same fears. This may sound strange, but it made me feel so much better to know that there are so many people sitting in the same boat as I am. We had such a great discussion today, and when people admitted their fears, somehow, it seemed to calm mine. At the end of class my teacher then says this, "I don't know why, but I feel inspired to have all of the girls stay after class, to continue this discussion." The class ended, all of the boys got up and left, and now it was just the girls having a chat session with our institute teacher. The spirit magnified ten fold, and we were able to continue the discussion on what we were so scared of on a more intimate level. There were many tears, kind words, and comfort shared today. I needed this so badly. At the end of the chat session one of the girls asked if we could do this again. I was relieved that she asked because I was thinking the same thing! My institute teacher agreed and we are going to have 'girl talk' every Tuesday after class.

I know with my whole heart that my institute teacher is a very inspired man. I know that God is aware of me, and knew exactly what I needed to calm me down and bring me peace. I am so thankful for my wonderful family and friends who are a constant, never wavering, support system for me. And I also know that if I get called to Utah, that that's where I'm supposed to be and will end up loving my area more than anything I could have ever imagined! Institute is a divine institution. If you are not taking an institute class this semester, I highly encourage you to do so! Here are some quotes from some very great men. Maybe they can persuade you better than I can! :)

“If you are a single college student, I ask you to make participation in institute a priority. Married students and other young adults are also welcome and encouraged to attend. Think of it. Friends will be made, the Spirit will be felt, and faith will be strengthened. I promise you that as you participate in institute and study the scriptures diligently, your power to avoid temptation and to receive direction of the Holy Ghost in all you do will be increased. Divine favor will attend those who humbly seek it. That is a promise which I leave with you”
President Thomas S. Monson, April 21, 2009

“We urge all for whom [institute] is available to take advantage of it. We do not hesitate to promise that your knowledge of the gospel will be increased, your faith will be strengthened, and you will develop wonderful associations and friendships”
President Gordon B. Hinckley, Ensign, May 1984

“Students, if your values are in place, you will not hesitate to forego an elective class that may decorate your life in favor of instruction which can hold together the very foundation of it. Then, once enrolled, attend, study, and learn. Persuade your friends to do the same. You will never regret it; this I promise you”
Elder Boyd K. Packer, Ensign, May 1983

“I know the power that comes from associations in the seminary and institute programs. It has enriched my life, and I know it will do the same for you. It will put a shield of protection around you to keep you free from the temptations and trials of the world…I know of no better place for the young people of the Church to gain a special knowledge of sacred things than in the institute and seminary programs of the Church”
Elder L. Tom Perry, Ensign, Nov. 1997,