Time to Get Real

It's time to get real and start talking about the things that matter most to us .Why are women so afraid to talk about the things that they are struggling with? Why is it so hard to talk about the things in life that absolutely break our hearts? Instead of holding it in, why don't we share our stories with other women who may need to hear that they are not the only ones going through this? Sometimes I don't always understand why I paste a smile on my lips for my friends and family members while my heart is secretly breaking into a million pieces inside. Is it because I want to portray to the world that my life is perfect and all is well? Or maybe it is simply because I am trying so damn hard to not focus on the one thing that has me so completely and utterly torn up inside. Then again, maybe we just don't talk about our pain with others because in a way, it's admitting to the world that this is really happening and sometimes it's just easier to pretend like its not. And sometimes it's just easier to ignore the things that we cannot control, after all, we are women, and we love to be in control of our lives am I right? But lets face it, we hardly ever are. Mostly, life happens to us. And we just kind of learn to roll with the punches.

What in the world am I talking about right? Well, I am talking about how once a month the depth of pain and anguish that I feel takes my breath away. The moment when I have to reach into my cupboard and pull out a tampon because no, I didn't get pregnant. Again. There is devastation in that blood in the toilet. Heart wrenching disappointment when you realize that this is not the month that God has decided to bless you with with a child. This moment is virtually indescribable if you have not experienced it for yourself, and if you haven't, I pray that you never will. When you are trying to get pregnant, nothing can break your heart or hurt your soul more than a period or a negative pregnancy test. Unlike other hard things that can happen in our lives; loss of a loved one, a breakup, the scary times of unemployment, this is something that most women do not feel comfortable talking about with anyone else besides their husbands and perhaps their mothers. Perhaps this type of hardship is better left between husband and wife, but come on girls, as good as your husbands intentions are, there is undeniably no way that he knows the depth of sorrow you are experiencing. Of course he wants a child too. In fact, he can't wait to be a daddy. But he will never know the anguish of having your body tell you that you are not going to be a mommy.

As if not being able to get pregnant wasn't hard enough, I am constantly being bombarded by others with questions about when I will have children. From the day that Justin and I tied the knot, people have felt the need to dive into our personal lives and ask when the stork would be visiting. As newlyweds we were mostly able to laugh this off and reply with a, 'Not now but someday' vague response. However, now that we have actually been trying, and have had no success, this constant questioning from others about getting pregnant is extremely painful. I know that people mean well, but if they knew the depth of pain they bring to us by asking that, I'm sure they would feel horrible. So just a rule of thumb- never ever ever ever ask anyone, no matter what, when they are planning on getting pregnant and having children. You have no idea what is happening in their lives, and that question is completely uncalled for, even it it's meant as a joke. Because let me tell you, after seeing those negative pregnancy tests over and over and over again, there is nothing remotely funny about it.

Fortunately for me, I have once again seen the Lord's hand in my life. For months I have questioned why we couldn't have the blessing of being parents. Many tears have been shed, many prayers have been said, and many long conversations on fertility have been spoken. Now that I have just landed my dream job however, I wonder if they would have hired me knowing that I was with child. Perhaps that is just speculation, but I believe that Heavenly Father has a greater plan for me than I have for myself. Sometimes it is really hard to trust in the Lord's timing and have patience and faith that everything will work out. This is a very hard topic for me to speak so openly about, but I feel like others may have gone through similar situations and may need to hear that they are not alone. You are never alone. Here are some talks from lds.org tht have really helped me through this time.

I Longed to be a Mother

Continue in Patience

Trust in the Lord