Too Personal? Oh Well. I'm sharing anyway.

As some of you might know, I've been going through a rough time lately. When I was ten years old I was diagnosed with depression. Since that time I have been on four different anti-depressant medications trying to help me cope and be a happy positive person.... didn't always work. I feel like I have situational depression, especially when big changes occur in my life. The times I needed medication the most is when I went to a new school, Jr. High, High School, and College. I don't handle change very well.

Knowing that, I thought it might be time to get back on a medication seeing as going on a mission is going to be a monumental change. My doctor quickly agreed with me and put me on my fifth anti depressant to see if it would work better than my previous medications. I have been on it for a month, and it is definitely not working but causing me to spiral downward into the blackest pit of despair. I have suicidal thoughts, which is scary because I haven't had that since high school.

So why am I pouring my heart out into the internet void? I guess it's because I want to say that I am not ashamed of having depression. One of my biggest pet peeves is people who don't believe that depression is a real thing. Do you know how many times people have said to me, "Get over it! It's all in your head!" Well duh! Of course it's in my head! Do you think I don't know that? I do. It's getting it OUT of my head that's the dilemma. So here is a news flash to all the doubters of the world: DEPRESSION IS A REAL MEDICAL PROBLEM!!! And to the people who suffer from depression: Get help! There is nothing shameful in having depression. It is a chemical imbalance that can be treated. Depression leads to suicide. Don't let that happen to you. Take care of yourself. Stop living in denial.

Fortunately for me I have many other ways to cope with my depression. My doctor suggested I take advantage of the free counseling center on campus, which I plan to do. Exercising helps. Talking to my friends and family about it works miracles! One of my best friends suggested that I take Vitamin D supplements. Going for drives, playing with animals, listening to happy music, reading a children's literature book (because they all have happy endings)--> all of these things can help me. But the greatest thing that has helped me is praying and asking Heavenly Father for help. Cause guess what folks? I can't do this alone! Last night was a particularly bad night, so I prayed for comfort. As I was praying the song "Where can I turn for Peace" popped into my head. I began singing the words in my head but couldn't remember all of them so I looked it up. Wow! So many lines hit me like a ton of bricks. Once again, if I haven't said it enough times already, I am so so so grateful for a Heavenly Father who is aware of me. Who sends me peace when I need it most. Who understands everything I'm going through. Who loves me even though I am crazy and should maybe sometimes be locked up in a psyche ward haha. But mostly I am grateful for the answers to prayers. Here is my answer to my prayer:

Where can I turn for peace?
Where is my solace
When other sources cease to make me whole?
When, with a wounded heart, anger, or malice
I draw myself apart searching my soul?
Where, when my aching grows?
Where, when I languish?
Where, in my need to know?
Where can I run?
Where is the quiet hand to calm my anguish?
Who, who can understand?
He, only One.
He answers privately.
Reaches my reaching.
In my Gethsemane, Savior, and friend.
Gentle, the peace He finds
For my beseeching.
Constant He is, and kind.
Love without end.
-Where can I turn for Peace? LDS Hymn book page 129-