Sample Guidelines

I know getting free samples at the grocery store can be a tricky business, so here are some guidelines I have picked up in my current line of work. . . .

#1 The flavor of the sample does not change no matter how many times you try it. Really. You need only to try it once.

#2 There really IS such things as stupid questions. For example: "What do you feed your pigs before you turn them into ham?" is a stupid question.

#3 The products will be by the samples, not in another part of the store. This should be obvious, especially if the samples are directly in front of a giant refrigerator with the product name in giant letters on it. There is no need to go looking elsewhere.

#4 Take the first sample you touch. (I hope this does not need an explanation)

#5 Sneezing on the sample plate is not a good idea. Please aim elsewhere.

#6 When there is a large line full of eager people for free food, don't stop at the samples to discuss the product with your friends. Step aside. You can always come back if you decided to purchase.

#7 When the sample lady speaks to you, it is always polite to respond. There are never any exceptions to this rule. Well, Ok. I lied. If you are deaf, then that is indeed an exception. For everyone else, this lady is giving you free food, you should say something. Some suggestions: Hi. Thank-you. How are you. etc.

#8 Making sex noises after trying the product is in no way appropriate. There are other ways to express your delight in the product. Making these noises is uncomfortable for everyone around you.

#9 Chew With Your Mouth Closed.

#10 If there is one sample on a single plate, take the plate. If there are multiple samples on a plate, take ONE sample and LEAVE the plate. Please read this through several times until you understand this concept.

#11 Opinions on the product are not necessary. This is simply to see if YOU like the product and if YOU want to buy it. For instance, telling the sample lady that her turkey tastes like tuna is completely unnecessary. The only time you should give your opinion is if the sample lady is collecting data or giving surveys.

#12 A smile and/or a thank-you go a long way for the sample lady. She is standing there for a long time after all.

#13 If you are a cute stock boy, flirting with the sample lady is much appreciated and welcomed. Even if it is only to get free food. She likes the attention.

#14 If you have 7 kids, each kid should only take ONE sample. Don't let them keep coming back for more. Especially five times in one night. Suggestion: Go home and feed your kids dinner.

#15 A used toothpick is meant to go into the trash. Not on the floor. Not on the counter. And most especially not back onto the sample plate.

#16 Don't talk with your mouth full of food. No one likes "See-Food".

#17 If you are a very old man, flirting with the sample lady is not flattering. It is creepy. Because you are old.

#18 If you can not tell the difference between turkey and ham, then you need to eat more turkey and ham. They are not alike.