A Biker and a Book Nerd : Let it Go

I have been putting off writing this blog for a while. I was hoping that the ‘Frozen’ epidemic would die out, because I didn’t want to be one of those people. You know who I am talking about. The kind of people who are filling up youtube with their own ‘let it go’ parodies. Yes, I own the movie. And yes, I own the soundtrack. But let’s be honest, I mean really honest, that movie is WAY overrated am I right? And that song… heaven to betsy… it is in competition with any of Taylor Swift’s hits for being wonderful at first but so overplayed you kind of start to cringe every time it comes on the radio. Yes, radio. I blame you for ruining some of my very favorite songs for me.

But I am getting off track. Because dissing on Frozen is NOT what this blog post is about.

This blog post is actually a TRIBUTE to the song ‘Let it Go’. (Hypocrite much?) *sigh, I know. Because you see, there is a reason why that song touches so many people. And it has nothing to do with a beautiful Disney princess and little girl dreams. But it does have everything to do with the fact that there is something in every single person’s life on planet earth that they need to let go of. Something they are ashamed of themselves for, something they try to hide from other people. I read one blog post that was circulating Facebook about how the song was referring to gay people and their struggle to “come out of the closet”. And where that is all fine and dandy for them that is NOT what the song meant to ME.

You see, for me, the song described how I feel about having depression to the tee.

The wind is howling like this swirling storm inside

Couldn't keep it in;
Heaven knows I've tried

Don't let them in,
don't let them see
Be the good girl you always have to be
Conceal, don't feel,
don't let them know
Well now they know

So In case you were wondering why all of this is coming out tonight, it is because tonight my husband and I went on a date to see ‘Night at the Museum 3”. This is supposed to be a funny movie, but as the credits began rolling and “A tribute to Robin Williams” popped on the screen, my chest began to constrict. I started bawling big fat tears on the way home. It may sound so weird to other people that I was mourning the death of a man that I have never even met, but I have felt what he felt. I have felt hopeless. I have felt friendless. I have felt suicidal. And he felt all of these things. I wonder how many people knew this about him. He seemed like such a happy and jovial person on the outside “Conceal, don’t feel” – that is what was going on. But if he had just “let it go” how many people would have helped him I wonder? He touched the lives of MILLIONS of people- not only his fans, but the fellow actors that he worked with I am sure. But in his final moments, he didn’t feel like there was one single person on the planet that he could turn to for help. It breaks my heart. Not only for the loss of his life, but for me too, because I know how it feels.

In high school I was completely humiliated that I suffered from depression. I felt tainted, like if other people knew the thoughts that came into my head sometimes it would scare them off and they would want nothing to do with me. I tried so hard to live the motto “fake it ‘till you make it’. It’s how I lived my life; never allowing myself to feel what I was really feeling, keeping everything bottled up inside, trying to hide my true emotions and plaster a smile on my face. It is a very lonely way to live though. “A kingdom of isolation, and apparently I’m the queen.” But there is a reality to my way of thinking. Who wants to be around someone who is sad, depressed, self-loathing, and pessimistic all of the time? I really felt that I couldn’t be myself and have friends at the same time. And I have also been on the other side of that spectrum. In college I had a friend who was so emotionally draining on me. All she did was complain about her life and vent to me. I understand that venting is part of friendship, but I needed more than that from her. I also need fun and laughter and support in MY life, not always me giving it to her. It truly was a one sided friendship, so believe me when I say that I understand both sides.

But when you are in a deep depression your way of thinking is warped. You have tunnel vision. You question everything. You are afraid to tell people how you are feeling because you fear even more rejection. So you isolate yourself. I don’t know if you do it to protect yourself, or protect your friends from yourself. Probably both.

But there is a catch to this, and it is called social media. Social media allows depressed people to seek approval from their peers, without actually having to interact with them. It is SO easy to “fake it till you make it” on social media. You post all happy stuff in hopes to hide your true agonies, because getting “likes” and happy comments makes you feel good about yourself, if only for a moment. Social media is a way to filter your life. You have complete control over it, over what people see, so you begin to create the image of what you want to be, but not necessarily who you are. The damage that this can cause is severe because your friends only see the happy stuff and may never know what is really going on.

I don’t think anyone knew what was really going on with Robin Williams either. His death was 100% preventable. If only he had gotten help and not been ashamed of himself for having this mental illness. In 2009, the last year for which statistics are available, suicide was the 10th leading cause of death in the U.S. That year, there were nearly 37,000 suicides, and 1 million people attempted suicide, according to the Centers for Disease Control. I can only imagine that those numbers have grown at an alarming rate every year.

The only way I can see to stop suicide, is to be open about mental illness. To educate people on how they can not only get help for themselves, but how to help others. People need to know the warning signs, and not always judge people from what they see on facebook. We need to talk openly about it, and shout from the rooftops that there is nothing to be ashamed of!

My name is Kristi and I was diagnosed with depression when I was ten years old. And there is no shame in that, not anymore.

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