Tuesday, May 28, 2013

Friday, May 17, 2013

Outpouring of Thoughts from an Overwhelmed Brain

I was planning on writing this post on Sunday, but my thoughts were so jumbled this past weekend that it has taken me a few days to sort my brain out. It’s still a little jumbled up there so this post has a high potential of being total random ramblings. However, I know that if I don’t put pen to paper (figuratively speaking) soon that my brain may just burst. I’m sure fellow writers can relate. I just need to get all of these thoughts out. I’ve been thinking a lot about mothers, mostly about how I am going to be one in less than three months. THREE MONTHS! Ah!

This Mother’s Day was an especially emotional one for me (THANK YOU HORMONES!) In Relief Society on Sunday the lesson was on ‘Sacred Family Relationships’. I was surprised when a great portion of the lesson was spent on the commandment we have to “multiply and replenish the Earth”. You can imagine how that struck a chord with me as I am in the process of doing just that. The entire lesson my mind kept wandering to the day when there was the shooting in the elementary school. I was just a few weeks pregnant then and when I heard the news I was completely devastated. That was the first day that I actually felt like a mom. My heart was breaking for those mothers who had just lost their precious angels. But more than that, the question of “What kind of world am I bringing my child into?!” kept popping into my head. Sometimes it scares the hell out of me to think what kind of world my son will be living in. It seems to get worse every day. What kind of world do we live in that someone would go murder children in an elementary school in Connecticut? Or shoot up a movie theater in Colorado? Or bomb a marathon in Boston? The day of the elementary shooting I cried and cried to my mom. I told her how I was scared to bring a child into this messed up world. And she gave me the best comfort ever. She told me that there are spirit children in heaven that are waiting to come to this earth to receive their bodies, and that that was basically the whole reason of why I was pregnant. Because my son needs a body, and if I didn’t give it to him someone else would. It seems like such a simple and obvious answer, but it comforted me so much. Anyway, this last Sunday I kept replaying that conversation with my mom in my head. Because after all, isn’t that WHY we have that commandment in the first place? Because the whole point of coming to Earth is to get a body, and there are still spirits who are waiting.

This past year I have had friends who have lost children, had miscarriages, or their babies just came too early. Every single time something like that happens, I feel like a mom. My heart breaks right along with theirs. I am reminded of what a blessing it is to have this little guy growing inside of me. I can’t believe how much I already love him. I lie on my couch and watch my tummy move up and down and just giggle with giddiness. I constantly worry for him. Not a prayer is spoken in our home without mentioning him. I just cannot wait to hold him in my arms and express all of this love. Motherhood is such a strange thing.

Speaking of strange things- let’s talk hormones. They might as well be called HORRORmones! Lately mine have been out of control. OUT. OF. CONTROL. I feel like I am walking on a tightrope, and anything, even just the slightest breeze, is about to push me over the edge. My emotions are always right there on the surface. If you know me, you know that I am probably the most emotional person in the entire universe. My emotions have a direct line to my tear ducts, so basically I cry all of the time. So being pregnant, and having those emotions even more intensified, well, it aint no picnic let me tell you what. My poor, poor husband deals with so much. There are times where I will just be sitting there and all of a sudden tears will just be falling down my face. Justin will ask me what’s wrong and all I can do is shrug and tell him that I have absolutely no idea. Then once the tears stop I am perfectly happy and laughing within minutes after the crying session. WEIRD. And this week I learned that I cannot handle it when Primary children sing to their mothers on Mother’s Day. As soon as the first notes were out of their cute little mouths tears were cascading down my face. It was super embarrassing and Justin just looks at me with an expression like, “I wish I could help you but I know it’s hopeless” kind of face. Grrrr. I hate crying but I REALLY hate crying in public!

I guess the last thing that has been on my mind lately is this quote I found on Pinterest.

 I could go on and on about why this has been on my mind, but I’ll keep it short and sweet and just say that it seems like there is a very clear line of who is on my side and who isn’t lately. There are people who are making the effort and there are people who aren’t. And let’s just say that I am very grateful for the rowers out there. I feel like I need them now more than ever during this time of my life when everything seems to be changing.

Saturday, May 4, 2013

It's May! The Lusty Month of May!

Happy month of May everyone! May brings sunshine, flowers, and all things wonderful. It also brings this lovely little number from the musical 'Camelot', which I will have stuck in my head for the rest of the month.

Doesn't it just make you want to frolic?

The Divine Calling of Motherhood

It's late. I need to be in bed right now, but the pull to write is stronger than the pull of my night time meds, so .... here I am. T...