CLOSURE

I have sadly, and pathetically, been in love with the same boy since I was twelve years old. I tried to stop, but he would always suck me back in. We would fight, not be friends for a while, but again, he would suck me back in. He was my best friend through all of my crazy growing up teenage years, and pretty much knew me better than anyone else on the planet, and I him.

He has been gone for two long years serving a mission, and today I went to his homecoming. For the two years that I did not see him I desperately wanted and wished and prayed for and hoped that when the time came for me too see him again, I would not, once again, be sucked back in by my own personal black hole. Now don't get me wrong. He is an amazing friend. He is an amazing person. But my love for him was the unrequited kind, the hellish kind, and so therefore no good for me. I desperately needed to move on and put the past behind me. As I was driving to his homecoming today, I had a full, blown out anxiety attack just thinking about facing him again. I was nauseous, dizzy, and shaking uncontrollably. I could hardly sit still while I was driving. I kept tapping my foot and drumming my fingers and grasping and wringing my hands around the steering wheel like you would not believe! When I pulled into the parking lot of the church my heart nearly beat right out of my chest. I started hyperventilating. I asked myself a thousand times why in the heck was I putting myself through this aggravation??!!! But after all, we had been friends for a long time. I knew if I didn't come to see him he would be hurt, and I knew I would have to face him again someday... so why not today?

I took a few million steadying breaths and walked into the church as calmly as I could. And it was amazing. Today was absolutely amazing. You know in the movie "27 Dresses" when she finally gets to kiss the man she has been in love with for so many years, and she feels nothing, not a thing! Well, today I had my "27 dresses" moment. I was able to look at him and not get butterflies. I was able to hug him and not have lightning bolts shoot up and down my spine. I even listened to him sing one of the most beautiful songs I have ever heard, with the most amazing voice, and it did not even melt my heart or bring me to tears. I walked into that church building with a sense of nervous anxiety. I walked out with a smile on my face. Today was a day of closure. The day I put my past officially behind me. I hope that we can stay close friends still, but I am eternally grateful for the peace and joy that moving on, finally moving on, has brought.

Hallelujah I am free at last! FREE AT LAST!!

A Month of Goodbyes

Whew.... summer flew by so fast. TOO fast! This year, summer was amazing. I went to Bear Lake a grand total of nine times in one summer. I believe that is my record. I got to see tons of family, tons of friends. I was finally, finally, finally able to go back to school. And managed to get fairly decent grades to boot! (And if you know me, and know how hard my nutrition class was for me, you will know that the last sentence was in no way a sentence of bragging. More of a sentence of relief and shock) And I also had a great miracle happen to me this summer. This summer, will officially and forevermore be known, as the summer that I beat all three siblings on the tan contest! (That brother of mine is a tough one to beat!)
So this August has been the month of goodbyes. I say goodbye to summer. I sadly say goodbye to my nice tan skin. I say goodbye to being warm(keep in mind I live in Logan), long days lying on a beach, my open sun roof, and everything else that goes along with that season.
But I have also had to say goodbye to three very, very good friends this month. One is moving to Canada, the other two are going on missions. These goodbyes were horribly hard. These goodbyes were goodbyes to three of my very best friends in the entire world. I was actually able to spend an entire day with Kelsey and Lorissa, not so much with Alejandra. I am so glad we three got that time together though. They handled it so well, I on the other hand came home and bawled my eyes out. But I am so proud of these friends, and I know they are moving on to bigger and better things in their lives.
So right now, at this moment, everything changes. Everything is new. New season. New classes. New roommates. New ward. New friends. New experiences. New everything. Bring it on!