Sunday, June 19, 2016

Precious Moments

One thing about me that you will learn quickly is that I don't really have secrets. I am an open book and I like it that way. I have been accused of over-sharing and airing out my dirty laundry for the entire internet world to see, but guess what? I don't care. Ask me a question and I will answer. I prefer honesty and real life. I like the behind the scenes more than the portrayal of perfection. So, that being said, I have recently been changing up my prescriptions a bit. This means that for the last two weeks I have entered beast mode. As most of you know I have depression, and if you didn't know, you do now. Changing medications is such a terrifying thing for me. I have had meds that have made me so suicidal that it scared the living daylights out of me! I have never been that close to death and I hope to never be so again. These last two weeks as I adjusted with the new, I have not been myself... or scary thought... maybe I was myself... ugh... I hope that's not who I am haha. I was so impatient. Angry. Irritable. I was having the worst anxiety attacks. One morning at breakfast Leland was rubbing his foot up and down my leg and I thought I was going to jump out of the window. Bottom line: It has not been a fun couple of weeks for anyone in my house.

Then this weekend happened. The clouds parted and the sun came out and glory hallelujah I feel like myself again! Today as we were driving to my in-laws, a mere five blocks away from our house, Leland passed out in the back seat. He had had a busy weekend and the poor little stink was tuckered out. I sat in the car so that he could take a little snooze because I didn't want to wake him up trying to get him out of his car seat. When he woke up though, he woke up grumpy. He was pretty upset and crying for me. I got "B" and held him in my arms, stroked his hair, kissed his cheeks, and was overcome with the love that I have for my little person. He snuggled right in to me and let me hold him longer then he has done in a long time. I soaked up every single second of that snuggle, completely cherishing this precious moment I had with my baby. I was so grateful that I felt like myself again to appreciate it fully. Beast me would have been irritated at the crying and fussiness. It was such a blessing.

Then tonight I told Leland that he could watch ten minutes of monster trucks on youtube before bedtime. I went and laid in my bed to rest my back and play on my phone. In a few moments however, Leland climbed into my bed, snuggled up against me, and started singing me his songs and telling me his made up stories. Then it was my turn to tell him some stories so I told him Goldilocks and the Three Bears, The Three Little Pigs, and Jack and the Beanstalk. He started telling me stories again mixing up all three of those stories into one grand adventure. I thought the line, "And then Jack showed his mom jelly beans and she got mad and threw them out the window and yelled 'We can't have more candy! We need real food!" was especially funny.  I laughed and I laughed at this wonderful boy's imagination and intellect. His bedtime came and went and still we laughed, told stories, sang songs, and cuddled. It was the perfect moment.

As I lay my perfect boy in his bed tonight our conversation went like this:
Me: I love you so much, Leland.
Leland: I love you so much too, Mommy.
Me: You're my best friend.
Leland: You're my best friend too mommy. And best friends should be together forever and ever.

This kid of mine. He fills my heart with joy. I am so grateful for modern day medicine that gives me the opportunity to feast upon these moments, to really dig into them and treasure them. I know without a shadow of a doubt that I am going to miss this age. I am trying to soak it all in. While I love watching him grow and learn new things, I am also shouting for time to slow down and for him to stay my baby forever. It's all a whirlwind that is going too fast.

In this moment, right now, I love being "Mommy". The beast is going to rear its ugly head again, you can count on it. I will fight it again and again and again. I will be victorious. I will fight for my son because he deserves to have the kind of mommy I was today. Today was a good mommy day. Tomorrow may be an entirely different story. Life is funny like that.

Wednesday, June 8, 2016

M-I-C-K-E-Y MOUSE

Justin and I have the same conversation every year during tax season. Do we do something responsible with our tax return or do we throw the whole adulting thing out of the window and have some fun? We usually decide to be irresponsible and go on a family vacation. During that yearly conversation I always have to remind him that Leland is going to remember the vacation over if the bills are all paid... it's how I win. After all, I have no idea whatsoever if my parents were out of debt when I was growing up. But you can bet your bonnet that I remember every single vacation we went on. Life is about choices after all, and sometimes, you just gotta choose family!

This year we decided to do Disney Land. It was the perfect timing for three reasons 1) Leland is still two which means he is still free for everything. 2) This year if you went in May adults were kid prices and 3) This **MAY** be the last summer-ish (we are hoping) that it's just going to be the three of us. (I don't necessarily like the idea of packing a baby around Disney and didn't want to have to wait another 3+ years to go.) (NO, NO! NOT pregnant.... just thinking... just thinking)

Anywho....

Our tax return ended up being almost double what we thought it would be, so we did end up compromising and split it in half. Which meant we went pretty cheap- but still so much fun! The first thing I found a great deal on was flights! Obviously the weekends were way too expensive so we ended up finding super cheap flights if we went from Sunday to Thursday. I found our flights on cheapflights.com and they ended up being about $160 per person for round trip. I also saved us $100 by not taking any check in luggage, but packed us all up in carry-ons. Next, we booked our hotel through getawaytoday.com and found a package deal that included hotel and park hopper tickets. Score! And lastly, we discovered Uber- the cheapest way to get around California by far! It was also really nice because our hotel had a shuttle to the parks that ran every 20 minutes. So there you have it- money saving tips from yours truly! The rest of the trip we only spent money on food and some souvenirs for little man. 

So like I said before, we left super early Sunday morning. (Flights are also more expensive if you want flights in normal waking hours, especially mid-morning.) When we got to Cali it was still too early to check into our hotel so we dropped off our luggage at the front desk and then headed to Huntington Beach. Since we didn't rent a car we had to haul Leland's car seat around with us when we used Uber. Fortunately there was a super sweet lady at the information booth at the beach that offered to hang on to his car seat while we explored the beach. It was awesome of her. That thing would have been such a pain to lug around! We bought Leland a cheap shovel and bucket and then just sat our bums in the sand and watched the waves, surfers, people, and built sand castles. I mentioned to Justin that I truly believe that it is a spiritual experience watching the ocean, and just plain good for your soul. I love the ocean. I love the beach. I was in pure heaven. We also got some lunch on the beach and it was so fun to people watch and listen to the live bands that were playing there. I think I could spend an entire week just at the beaches of California. 

The next three days we did Disneyland and California Adventure every day. I was really worried that Leland wouldn't have any fun and it would be just one big trip of melt-downs. Lately he has started this fear thing where he is scared, or pretends to be, of everything. But the kid did awesome! I was especially nervous in line for the roller coaster that he insisted going on. It's the one in Toon Town, so not exactly big, but still, he is only 2. I didn't need to worry though- he was belly laughing the entire time and insisted we go on it again. The first day we did have some melt-downs when it was time to get off the ride. I had to literally drag him off kicking and screaming. Eventually he got the idea of it all and realized that after this ride would come another and another, and it eventually got easier and easier to get him off. (Well, except for the race cars that is... hahaha I was laughing so hard at the fit he was throwing on that one!) The only time he ever got scared was during the Bug's Life 3D movie. It totally freaked him out when the air and water shot out at him- we had to exit the theater real quick in that one. He kind of got nervous in the Tiki Room when the storm started too, but he sat on my lap and continued to eat his Dole Whip and all was well. 

Can I just say, going to Disney with a kid is like a bazillion times more fun then going by yourself?! I LOVE Disney through the eyes of my boy! It is the absolute best I tell you! Cars Land was of course the biggest hit, and we ended up back there on the last day. I have never done Disney so lazy before. Usually we get there when it opens and stay until it closes so that we can get our moneys worth. But this time we would sleep in, go back to the hotel in the middle of the day to get lunch and a nap in, and then go back at night. It was actually kind of perfect. We were not burned out by the third day and it was kind of fun to just sit back and relax and enjoy the moments. In three days we didn't even get to see everything though... but it was okay with me. Eventually your toddler is done with long lines and so you sit and eat a churro and life is grand. Everything was perfect. I could have probably stayed longer, and definitely could have had another beach day, but all in all, it was perfect. Cheers to good times and 'makin' memories!'































The Divine Calling of Motherhood

It's late. I need to be in bed right now, but the pull to write is stronger than the pull of my night time meds, so .... here I am. T...