Thursday, March 31, 2011

"Must be a different view, to be a me with a you."

So I tend to steal a lot from my friend Tyler's blog. He posted this music video and I fell in love with this song....




Thanks Tyler for always having incredible taste in music, and for sharing it with me!

Monday, March 28, 2011

A Good Day

I told you I would get back to happy posts. :)

Today was a good day. I may not have accomplished much, but sometimes the best days are spent wrapped in a blanket while it snows outside watching looney tunes with your roommates.



Sometimes a good day is getting more food than you bargained for and sharing with your roommates.



Sometimes a good day is playing a new game with your roommates.



And sometimes a good day is realizing how lucky and blessed you are to have the roommates that you do.


Thanks roomies! I sure do love you Kenzi, Rachel, Leisha, and Emily!

Sunday, March 27, 2011

Friend-Ache

One day I will get back to happy posts.... but this is not it. (Just giving you fair warning).

I was just wondering. Do you ever feel this awful ache inside of you when you think about friends you've either lost or are just not close to anymore? Am I weird for feeling this way?

Tonight I was able to go to a play that one of my best friends from high school was in. Fortunately I was able to see him afterwards for a few minutes. I gave him a hug and asked how he was doing, but as I was walking away from him this terrible ache filled my heart. In all honesty, I miss him.

I couldn't be more grateful for this friend. For the things he taught me. For the times he saved me. For the memories we created. I have no doubt in my mind that someone from above put him in my life at the time that he was.

I understand the concept that people come into our lives for a reason, for however long we need them or they need us, and then it's alright to move on after that. But understanding it and living it is a completely different thing. I hate change. I don't want to move on. I want to have the amazing moments I have had with past friends everyday for the rest of my life!

Is that crazy?

Thinking about this old high school friend led me to think about all my old high school friends. And I miss them. All of them. Jack. Aaron. Katie. Ali. Kristin. Cami. Amber. Alyse. (etc.)

I miss my ward friends. Lauren. JaNae. Brittney. Marissa. Tyler. Trevor. Sean. Rachel. (etc.)

I miss my old roommates. Lorissa. Kelsey. Shilah. Reconda. Maddie. TaLisha. Shalese. Breanna. Geri. SuSu. Betsy. (etc.)

I miss my three friends from the best summer I have ever had. Alejandra. Ryan. Jason.



I. Miss. Them. All.



Can anyone sympathize with me? And if so, does it ever go away?



I know I have been blessed with so many wonderful people in my life who have taught me so much. I have so many amazing friends now. Amanda. Alex. Kenzi. Kylie. Leisha. Rachel. Emily. Lauren. Katelyn. Morgan. Tyler. The list goes on.



I look at these lists of people and know it would be virtually impossible to have them all fit into my life. So that's what I picture heaven to be like. All my friends. All my family. Together. Forever. No aches.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Too Personal? Oh Well. I'm sharing anyway.

As some of you might know, I've been going through a rough time lately. When I was ten years old I was diagnosed with depression. Since that time I have been on four different anti-depressant medications trying to help me cope and be a happy positive person.... didn't always work. I feel like I have situational depression, especially when big changes occur in my life. The times I needed medication the most is when I went to a new school, Jr. High, High School, and College. I don't handle change very well.

Knowing that, I thought it might be time to get back on a medication seeing as going on a mission is going to be a monumental change. My doctor quickly agreed with me and put me on my fifth anti depressant to see if it would work better than my previous medications. I have been on it for a month, and it is definitely not working but causing me to spiral downward into the blackest pit of despair. I have suicidal thoughts, which is scary because I haven't had that since high school.

So why am I pouring my heart out into the internet void? I guess it's because I want to say that I am not ashamed of having depression. One of my biggest pet peeves is people who don't believe that depression is a real thing. Do you know how many times people have said to me, "Get over it! It's all in your head!" Well duh! Of course it's in my head! Do you think I don't know that? I do. It's getting it OUT of my head that's the dilemma. So here is a news flash to all the doubters of the world: DEPRESSION IS A REAL MEDICAL PROBLEM!!! And to the people who suffer from depression: Get help! There is nothing shameful in having depression. It is a chemical imbalance that can be treated. Depression leads to suicide. Don't let that happen to you. Take care of yourself. Stop living in denial.

Fortunately for me I have many other ways to cope with my depression. My doctor suggested I take advantage of the free counseling center on campus, which I plan to do. Exercising helps. Talking to my friends and family about it works miracles! One of my best friends suggested that I take Vitamin D supplements. Going for drives, playing with animals, listening to happy music, reading a children's literature book (because they all have happy endings)--> all of these things can help me. But the greatest thing that has helped me is praying and asking Heavenly Father for help. Cause guess what folks? I can't do this alone! Last night was a particularly bad night, so I prayed for comfort. As I was praying the song "Where can I turn for Peace" popped into my head. I began singing the words in my head but couldn't remember all of them so I looked it up. Wow! So many lines hit me like a ton of bricks. Once again, if I haven't said it enough times already, I am so so so grateful for a Heavenly Father who is aware of me. Who sends me peace when I need it most. Who understands everything I'm going through. Who loves me even though I am crazy and should maybe sometimes be locked up in a psyche ward haha. But mostly I am grateful for the answers to prayers. Here is my answer to my prayer:

Where can I turn for peace?
Where is my solace
When other sources cease to make me whole?
When, with a wounded heart, anger, or malice
I draw myself apart searching my soul?
Where, when my aching grows?
Where, when I languish?
Where, in my need to know?
Where can I run?
Where is the quiet hand to calm my anguish?
Who, who can understand?
He, only One.
He answers privately.
Reaches my reaching.
In my Gethsemane, Savior, and friend.
Gentle, the peace He finds
For my beseeching.
Constant He is, and kind.
Love without end.
-Where can I turn for Peace? LDS Hymn book page 129-

Monday, March 21, 2011

Dance on the Edge of the Hollywood Sign!

My big sis introduced me to this song. If you know me at all, you know how much I hate dancing. I'm not even good at pretending I like to dance. But this song makes me want to turn the volume up and dance all alone in my room like a crazy person. I don't know why haha it just does!

Another Tale of Two Cities

This is a tale of two cities, Logan and Fruit Heights.

When I first moved to Logan in 2006 I would become really homesick and go to Fruit Heights almost every weekend. As my social life in Logan grew however, I would stay in Logan until the phone call would come from my mom begging me to come home because she missed me. Over the last year or so coming home to Fruit Heights grew increasingly harder to do. I loved Logan. I loved my friends there. I loved my life there. I never wanted to leave!

Just recently though, the longing pull from these two cities has once again changed. I have spent a lot of time over the last month in Fruit Heights. Every time I come I want to stay longer and longer and making the one hour drive back to Logan becomes more and more unappealing. I don't really know the reason for this change. All I know is that I'm sitting in Fruit Heights on a Monday, watching the clock as it ticks closer and closer to the time my class starts. My car is all packed up, but I find myself stalling to the very last possible second. I don't want to leave. I love it here. This feels more like home than my apartment in Logan. I feel so loved here and I don't want to leave my amazing family. Why don't I want to leave?

The funny thing is, is that as I was talking to my little brother today, I called Logan my home. So when I am in Fruit Heights, I tell my family that Logan is my home. But when I am in Logan, I tell my roommates that I am going home to Fruit Heights. Sometimes it feels confusing to have two homes, but at the same time, that is also a great blessing.

As I was writing I was thinking of the people in Japan who have no home. It feels selfish of me to have two. I feel so blessed to have two places on this Earth that I can call home. The meaning of the word home has taken on a whole new, deeper meaning for me. So even though my heart feels like it belongs in Fruit Heights, a part of it belongs in Logan as well. I don't know the point of this blog really. I guess all I'm trying to say, is that I'm thankful for my home(s).

"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going direct to heaven, we were all going direct the other way - in short, the period was so far like the present period, that some of its noisiest authorities insisted on its being received, for good or for evil, in the superlative degree of comparison only."
-Charles Dickens, A Tale of Two Cities-

Saturday, March 19, 2011

A Tale of Two Cities

Last night I was able to go to the musical 'A Tale of Two Cities' at the Hale theater in West Valley. Oh my goodness. How do I even begin to describe how amazing it was. Where do I start? The cast, the scenery, the costumes, the story, the MUSIC! It was so incredible! They compared it to Les Miserables and for good reason! It was just as intense, heart pounding, goodness as Les Miserables, which is one of my all time favorite musicals.

This show runs until April so if you get a chance, please please please go see it! I know the tickets are a little pricey for poor college kids, but it's SO worth it and you will not regret it I promise! In fact, I'm seriously considering going again myself. My fingers are just itching to buy my tickets. Anyone want to go with me? haha

The really cool part was that the lead actor is in my homeward in Fruit Heights. He graduated with my older sister Cassie so I didn't know him all that well growing up, but it was still really amazing to see him perform. I had no idea he was so talented. He completely stole the show. (I think I'm in love! Seriously!) ;) (He is in the MWF cast so if you go, go to one of those nights! His name is Kyle Olsen, and believe me when I say, you're not going to want to miss him!)

click here to go to Hale theaters website for tickets and more information.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

SUN! FUN! and HAIRSPRAY!

This last week was Spring Break and my cousin Kylie and I drove down to Beaver Dam to stay in my grandparents condo for a few days. (For those of you who don't know, Beaver Dam is in Arizona, about ten minutes away from Mesquite, which is in Nevada, and twenty minutes away from St. George, Utah. Welcome to the four corners!)

As we were driving down there we hit the biggest snow storm ever! We found out later that the highway we were on was closed shortly after we drove past it. Whew, I'm glad we made it and didn't get stranded in the middle of nowhere!




Fortunately after about an hour the sky looked like this...



This was a pretty chill trip. We just kind of hung out and played games. One night we went to the Casablanca casino and hotel to get Dessert. Here are some pictures of that night...






On one of the days we laid out in the grass on a blanket. We played games, read books, and just enjoyed the sunshine...



We also went on a lot of drives, got a little lost, and stopped by the side of the road to take pictures...








We also ate at a really yummy Mexican restaurant, did a little shopping, ordered Chinese take out, watched some tv, discovered a new hilarious game. It was just such a fun trip and oh so nice to finally be in some warm weather and lots of sunshine. My feet were happy in flip flops again!

On Saturday of that week I was able to go see the musical Hairspray with my roommate Emily. One of my good friends from high school, Aaron Ford, played Corny Collins and he did an amazing job! The whole cast was amazing! I loved it and it reminded me just how much I love musicals! Here is a picture of us from that night...


(Sorry. I don't know why that picture is so small)

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Sickness

A week and a half ago I got sick. Not only am I no better, I am worse. Tonight my mom told me that this sickness is everywhere! She said that Davis High has tons of students out right now, and Cassie says that almost everyone at her work is sick. I guess on the news it was talking about how this is spreading, and it lasts for weeks! WEEKS! Well, damn! I don't have weeks! (Pardon my French). I will leave out all of the gruesome details. I won't tell you that I cough so hard I throw up. Or that my nose is so snotty I could probably have filled a swimming pool with it by now. And I won't mention the fact that my sides, stomach, and back feel like I have been kicked by a cow from coughing so hard. No, I will leave out all of the dirty details. And I won't even complain about how expensive being sick is. With the night cold medicine, dayquil, cough drops, tissue, liquids, etc. Because you know me, I'm not a complainer. And finally, I won't whine to you about how I am laying in bed right now, seriously contemplating where I am going to find the energy to get up, brush my teeth, wash my face, and make my bed. I won't tell you how I feel so weak that all of those tasks seem like an incredibly unachievable feat. It's a good thing I don't whine and complain and go on and on about how miserable I am. Because if I did, well that would be sending off some very negative vibes indeed.

The upside to all of this is that my voice sounds like a man and I am constantly reminded of the Friends episode where Phoebe is sick and thinks her voice sounds really sexy, and when she loses her cold she is really mad that she lost her sexy voice. She ends up kissing Chandler when he gets sick to see if she can get her sexy voice back. So that is always fun to have a Friends moment.

Another good thing is that it is Spring Break next week. And I don't care if I am on my death bed, I am going to get the heck out of Logan... even if it kills me! (No pun intended... well maybe a little).

The Divine Calling of Motherhood

It's late. I need to be in bed right now, but the pull to write is stronger than the pull of my night time meds, so .... here I am. T...